In the article, "Raising Successful Children," Madeline Levine writes that to raise successful children, we have to let them fail. " … the optimal parent is one who is involved and responsive, who sets high expectations but respects her child’s autonomy." You have to find that sweet spot between overparenting and permissive. A tricky balancing act, indeed.
Our latest struggle with keeping ourselves from overparenting is The Middle School Social Fishbowl.
My sister and I took our kids to the town swim club earlier this week. Our 13 year old kids ran over to the diving board and stumbled across the "cool" kids. They froze. Should they say hello or should they ignore the "cool" kid to avoid getting the cold shoulder?
My sister and I tried to give our kids advice. We told them to say hello and be friendly. Maybe the cool kid wanted to be friends with them, but was shy. Our kids listened, but didn't believe us.
Jonah and I have had this conversation many times. We have a neighbor boy who completely ignores Jonah and the other boys at the bus stop. He's on the lacrosse team, and he doesn't talk to non-lacrosse kids. I have given Jonah countless lectures on dealing with the neighbor kid, but nothing sinks in. So, I have given up. He'll take his lumps and somehow survive like all of us did. There's really no way to cram in middle aged confidence in a teenage body.
What makes the cool kids cool? Sometimes it is athletic talent, like the neighborhood kid. Sometimes it's height and advanced bodies. But sometimes it is something else — arrogance, an authoritarian personality, or a well-established social group. It's power and politics and I'm fascinated by it.
Apt. 11d 
I think it the well established social group, in which a team sport can play a significant role. But, yeah, there’s not much we an do, and the sooner we learn it the better for us.
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I think the “cool kids” in middle school may bloom too early. Sometimes, the arrogant behavior of the “populars” turns off the kids who come into their own in high school.
I think the best thing a parent can do is help children find their natural peers. They might be found in extracurricular activities. If a kid’s miserable, a new school or town might make the difference. Each town has its own culture, probably as a result of the adults’ careers. (cue _The Big Sort_) A town in which most of the parents are engineers, or work in tech companies, will have a different culture than a town in which the parents work for the local hospital.
More than one school administrator has said that boys build pyramids, while girls build circles. So, boys want to know where they stand in the pecking order, which is frequently based upon athletics. Girls want to know if they’re “in” or “out” — and if you’re “in,” you could be thrown “out” at any moment.
It’s hell to watch, when you’re a parent, and your child is miserable. (note, I’m not saying “unhappy,” or “not popular.” Miserable.) However, parents trying to meddle with middle school social stuff is doomed to backfire.
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I’m so glad that Eldest has a couple of really strong friendships. When she started high school, she was apprehensive since her best friend had chosen the arts school whereas Eldest opted for the academic-intensive school. Three years on, she’s kept up that friendship but added/rebuilt some others so that she has a good friendship network.
Letting kids fail – I don’t know that I’d go that far in hands off, especially when they’re looking for help, but letting them run up against a wall and realize they want to/need to change direction? I’m all for that because it’s a key skill. Also NOT smoothing the path when Eldest has gone to talk to U admissions types at her dream U, but letting her do all the work herself. How would it help if I’d smoothed the path? Not at all!
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“However, parents trying to meddle with middle school social stuff is doomed to backfire.”
I keep saying this to everyone. But, given the proclivities of everyone in my parent circle (many seem to have a very tough time with “letting your kid fail”) people still seem to think there’s a magic wand that can be waved that will let all the kids be in the “popular” group. Usually they want the school to do something, though.
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As a 6th grade teacher (and mother of 4-ages 17 down to 10) I appreciate cranberry’s pyramid/circle illustration. It is so true! I’ve wondered for years about the ‘popular gene’ ~ yes, sometimes these kids are very attractive or athletic or wealthy, but not always. It is nearly impossible to discover what exactly makes some kids popular and other’s not.
It is a constant struggle to stay on top of the bullying/clique issues at the middle school level. I try to do what I can, but so much does happen when adults aren’t around-in the restroom, on the bus, on the playground (where our school has 2 adults supervising 200 students 😦 ).
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