A friend with an adopted daughter and two biological daughter has very sensible concerns that people will make comparisons between the kids. She is worried what people would say about her kids. I got over that a long time ago.
One of the things about having a kid with a disability is that it really sorts out the people in your life.
Ian developed perfectly normally until he was two. If anything, he hit his milestones early. He was holding his own bottle at six months and walking by ten months. He was a smiley, good natured kid who was a favorite of all the babysitters. Everything was cool except for the speech.
Then between two and four, he screamed a lot. He had a handful of words. And he could read. After some trauma, we got over the special education label and he received lots of therapy. Now that Ian is six, he's still a little different, but we don't care. His speech, while a bit clumsy, is serviceable. He's smarter than I am. He has a great sense of humor and gives the best hugs. He's perfect.
Our biggest problems are how other people treat him. Ian's 2 to 4 years were tough on me. It was made worse by some people who thought that the reason that Ian screamed and didn't talk was because of bad parenting. Some people thought he couldn't talk, because I wasn't strict enough with him.
There's a six year old in the neighborhood who calls up to invite himself over, but won't allow Ian in his house. I guess that's okay with his mother. Some people think that the normal rules of nice-ness don't apply to special education kids. I've heard some parent say that all the kids in the class have to come to a birthday parent, except the inclusion kids.
There are the people who will brag about their gifted and talented kids, but look uncomfortable when I brag about Ian's triumphs. And don't you know that I'm thinking that my kid is so much cooler than their monkey-faced brats.
And then there are the people who just clearly can't handle imperfection. They don't know what to say to Ian and just wish that they didn't have to be confronted with this situation. And Ian isn't even all that disabled. His biggest problem is speech. If you didn't know he was in special education and didn't ask him a complicated question, you would have no idea that he was different.
I have not noticed a correlation between religiosity and niceness to special education kids. That's okay. Their hell will have a very warm spot for them in the future.
Sometimes I get my feelings hurt by all this nonsense. Sometimes I get angry and want to get out the pitchforks and skewer some assholes, but I'm trying to be more zen about the whole thing. So, I've gotten quite used to the people who think nasty thoughts about my kids. The good thing is that there are also lots of people who don't. I'm calmly and serenely sorting out these two types of people in my life.
Apt. 11d 
Oh, Laura. I’m glad you’re trying zen, but it sucks that you have to deal with these people in the first place. I’d really like to believe people were wiser, more empathetic, and more open to the variety of human experience.
One of the nice things about parent blogs: brag away. The posts where you talk about your boys’ accomplishments and interests are always a delight to read.
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Love your comment about the warm spot in hell…
One of the things I love about my kids’ very imperfect public school is the fact that their classrooms are filled with all kinds of kids. Some are classified as “learning disabled,” others as “gifted,” others as “English Language Learners.” (And then there is this other abbreviation which basically means “poor,” but you can’t really say that…)
The funny thing is that this is the number-one reason people choose private schools over our very imperfect public school. (Well, that and the dismal average test scores…but you try taking a standardized test in English when you’ve been speaking only Hmong for 6 years…it’s not so easy.)
We have a few kids who sound like Ian (in different ways) at our school. I adore them. And I hope that my kids are learning that one finds brilliance, creativity and kindness in all sorts of different kinds of people. Even the ones who don’t look/sound exactly like them.
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Wow. This one hits home. When my daughter was younger, we would get these comments all the time. Rarely would people say it to your face. But if my ex-wife was a little ways away, the people around her (not knowing her connection) would talk about the bad parents who couldn’t control their child.
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I guess that I should mention that my daughter is autistic.
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I just want you to know your writing on this subject has made me examine my own behavior toward a lovely boy in my daughter’s class who is having some problems, not sure what kind, but it made me think a playdate is definitely in order. I feel stupid for not thinking about it before, using excuses like time, etc. Everyone needs a break.
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I’m struggling a little with this myself. As some of you know I’ve been trying to figure out what’s up with my son, who is doing great in school academically but not quite fitting in socially. I’m curious to know what it is about these kids (Ian, Will’s daughter, etc.) that is seen as offputting by other parents.
I don’t spend a lot of time around 6 year old boys. My family is very girl-heavy, and every time I express some sort of concern, I’m told “Oh, boys are different.” GRRRR. It doesn’t help that my 9 year old is a poster child for self-discipline and control–more so than a lot of kids her age.
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This was lovely. The second hardest thing about being a parent is realizing that your kid will be treated as different. The first hardest thing is when your kid realizes that they will be treated as different.
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“One of the nice things about parent blogs: brag away. The posts where you talk about your boys’ accomplishments and interests are always a delight to read.”
I second this — I love hearing about Ian & Jonah’s triumphs.
“your writing on this subject has made me examine my own behavior toward a lovely boy in my daughter’s class who is having some problems”
And, another me-to.
If you want to give break to parents of typically developing kids — some of us just don’t understand that the methods that work with their kids won’t work with all kids, because we lack the experience. Yeah, some of us are obnoxious jerks who just don’t want to deal with differences, but some of us just need to be educated.
Though it might be too hard to do this with people you really know, your writing might pay it forward, just as Jen describes.
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Thanks, guys. big hugs for the Internet.
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