In the best-selling novel, Defending Jacob, author William Landay explores the idea that parents really don’t know their children. Andy’s son Jacob is a seemingly normal teenage boy, until the dad finds out about his weird Internet habits and disturbing conversations with friends, while investigating a local murder.

This morning, the Today show had a segment about a new study about teenage boys and sexting. Let’s just say that sexting isn’t only for New York City mayoral candidates.

Now, I’m a hundred percent sure that your kids and mine are not closet psychopaths with a penchant for violence. Your kid probably isn’t sending crotch shots to strange girls. However, there is a slight chance that his (or her) online persona is different from the child at the dinner table, and that he (or she) is looking at stuff online that would make your hair curl. What to do?

Our long-standing Internet policy is that Jonah’s phone is not his private property. It is subject to random spot checks. So, every month or two, I’ll check his phone in front of him. I’ll read all his texts and e-mail. Mostly the content of the texts are stupid boy stuff, like emoticon humor. Sometimes, there will be some griping about the tryanny of parents. I never give him a hard time about the tyranny of parents complaints. There’s one girl that obviously likes him and writes a lot of “I love you. JK. Lol.” stuff, but Jonah is too clueless to pick up the flirting cues.

After I review the content, I give him the same lecture. I remind him that nothing on the Internet is private. You have to be careful of not only what you look at, but what people send you. I remind him that the punishment for looking at or distributing inappropriate content is the loss of the cellphone for a year. If someone sends him something inappropriate and he tells me, then there is no punishment. If he doesn’t tell me, then he loses the phone for a year. No parole. I remind him that it’s my job to protect him and that’s why I’m doing this. I love him very much.

There have been high profile scandals in our town, so thankfully the school is giving him to same lecture as I am.

Middle school kids spend too much time on their own. Parents are often gleeful, when their kids hit 6th grade and they no longer have to pay for childcare. It’s a huge financial relief. But the result is that some kids spend five hours a day by themselves. The kids quickly finish their homework and eat a snack and then they get bored. They might just play video games in that time or they might tap in “p-o-r-n” into a google search and see stuff that their brains are too young to process.

Some of my working friends have come up with solutions. Some pay for a sitter to come by the house for a couple of hours to break up that time. Or they have a neighbor visit for a while. The kids don’t need an adult looking over their shoulder, but they do need a civilized presence in the house.

We enforce regular bedtimes, which leads to “tyranny of parents” rants from Jonah. Some of his friends are surfing the web until 4 am every day. Again, too much free time.

Boys are sexting for a variety of reasons. Not only does the access to porn trash normal barriers, but boys also have crummy social skills and they don’t have regular contact with girls. If boys are super involved with sports, the only girls that they have contact with are cheerleaders or the groupies that hang around the field to watch the boys. (Parents, please don’t let your girls do that.) Boys need to be in clubs or activities that give them contact with regular, smart girls.

Jonah loves Instagram. He’s an excellent photographer, and he loves the positive reaction that his images get from his peers. I’m thrilled that he has an avenue to pursue his creativity. But, Instagram requires oversight. So, I joined Instagram and followed my son. No only do I see what he posts, but I check out the comments from his peers. Last week, he posted a cute picture of himself leaping next to a rainbow, and a friend responded, “that’s so gay.” We had to have a conversation about how that’s not an appropriate word and he immediately deleted the comment.

The Internet doesn’t have a policeman, so parents have to take on that role. That means extra work for over-worked parents, but that’s the reality.