Ta-Nehisi Coates responds to a Double X post, which says that Jenny Sanford's efforts to raise her kids and support her husband's career was mis-directed energy. Sanford is apparently an extremely bright woman who had a major job in finance before she started her family. Coates says there has to be something more to Sanford's decisions than simply being a doormat.
Coates isn't buying the simplistic and judgmental reasoning of Double X, but he still doesn't understand Sanford and others. He asks,
husband's life work? There must have been some sort of light there,
something that she got out of it. I don't say that to be caustic, or
mean. But the narrative of put-upon housewife always leaves me
unsatisfied, because while it says a lot about the husband, his
proclivities, and his selfishness, it really says nothing about the
wife. Who is she? Why would she enter into such an arrangement? What is
the trade-off? Where is her agency in it all?
She probably hated her job. I know, who would believe it? Most people hate their jobs and would quit as soon as the balls fell the right way on Lotto. Finance jobs, in particular, aren't that fun. People do it for the money and quit as soon as they feel that they have enough money. Of course, having enough money varies from person to person. When Steve goes to work, he sometimes hears the stock brokers puking in the bathroom from the stress. Steve would quit his job the moment I made enough money to cover the mortgage. For us, enough money = paying the mortgage.
She probably loved her kids and wanted to raise them herself. She has four young boys. I bet that they had a nanny, but still, managing four kids is a lot of work.
He probably worked 16 hour days and traveled a lot. Jobs in finance are 12 hour jobs. I'm sure she thought it would be nice if her kids saw one parent once in a while.
High end jobs assume that there is a stay at home parent. Steve can never take off for sick days or parent-teacher conferences or for school holidays. They assume that I'll take care of it. It is assumed that he can work after hours whenever he is needed. He came home at 9:00 last night without worrying about the babysitter or the daycare. It is highly annoying that his job makes that assumption, but that's a rant for another day.
But political jobs are even weirder. Not only do they assume that there's a full time parent at home, but they also expect that the spouse will show up at events and give speeches. People give Michelle Obama a hard time about quitting her job, but as far as I can tell, she's working a lot. She's in front of the camera every day giving speeches and reading to school kids. That looks like a job to me. Political office is the only job that employs the whole family.
Also, Jenny probably believed in her husband's political message. She ran his political campaign because she liked his platform. Whatever.
Marriages involve trust and compromises. The Sanfords probably made a series of decisions based on who loved their career more, who really wanted to care for the kids, and a host of other factors. She probably didn't look at her role as mom and political wife as a sacrifice. Maybe that was an error, but if a marriage is going to work, you have to somewhat trust the other person.
UPDATE: BitchPhD has a good response.
Apt. 11d 