At 6:30 this morning, Steve and I were milling around the house. I put my hair back in a pony tail, filled up the water bottle for the gym, and set up Ian’s breakfast — bowl, cereal, juice, ADHD medicine. Ian wandered down at 6:45 and rearranged his breakfast spot, so all the items were in the correct location on the table. Like every morning, Steve’s put his oatmeal bowl in the sink, kissed me, and dashed out the door. I sat down for a minute and checked my e-mail on the iPad by the TV. All the while, the local news was on the TV, as it is every morning. We never really watch it, but it’s on, keeping us company.

At 7:00, the Today Show came on. I was in the living room looking out the window for Ian’s bus, when I heard a tearful Savanna Guthry in the background. I went into the TV room to see why she was upset. I thought someone important died.

No, it was just the news that Matt Lauer was canned for inappropriate work behavior. Another one.

Are all men in power scummy? I just don’t get it. They all seem to work from the same Perv Handbook.

Tip #1 — Surprise a co-worker as you are coming out of the shower rubbing your bare ass with a towel. They will think it is awesome. Uh, no they won’t. Especially when you are like 75 and have neck jowls hanging down to your navel.

Tip #2 — Women love it when you assault them. They like it way more than when you ask them out on a date. This one I don’t get. I assume that Matt Lauer did not need to forcibly grab a women. I imagine that he could have found a willing partner. There are plenty of women who wouldn’t even care that he is married. Why did he need to assault someone?

Tip #3 – Whip it out and surprise a co-worker. Even show her how it operates. She’ll love it and will thank you for this demonstration. It’s like a test drive of a new Mercedes. There is no woman who wants to be greeted by a surprise penis. Just telling, y’all.

Tip #4 — A pinch on the butt is fine way to start your day. Your women colleagues will appreciate the fact that you noticed their round bums. Leave our butts alone.