18 thoughts on “Two Parenting Links”

  1. Love the list. Love anything that puts the monkey on their back AND avoids non-stop negotiation & asking. And I love how stealth it is – subtly teaches them that creativity and reading and chores and homework are the priority.

    I think we’ll take a stab at this as our girl (8) is looking at grade 4 in the fall with much more homework and demands.

    Right now we limit any screen time to the weekends (tv and ipads/computers). And no matter when it is, no screens at the table (home or restaurant).

    Everything in moderation.

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  2. My policy: If they keep their grades up, they can have as much screen time as they like.

    My problem is going to be the summer. The 15 year old can’t/won’t work and has enough music/dance-based commitments that it does make it hard for her to do something really structured.

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    1. What are her friends doing?

      I find that summer is often driven by peers (in a good way) – and it depends upon where you live. All kids in camp? Or at her age, camp counselors? Then that’s it. For the younger set, all in day camps? Then day camps otherwise you won’t see your friends.

      Free range kids with caregivers (paid or unpaid) at home? Then that’s the way to go.

      So many factors – personality, interests, etc.

      I can imagine that it’d be a challenge to figure out summer with a 15 year old depending upon their other commitments and interests.

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  3. This list would never work at our house. Because when it’s time for someone to load/unload the dishwasher, fold clothes, make dinner, their eyes would be glued to screens and they’d say, “But I did everything on the list!”

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    1. I was thinking something similar — willful misinterpretation is one of the tactics around here.

      But, the list, and the concept, of allowing free choice after a pre-determined list was completed, rather than monitoring/regulating activities made me start thinking, as did Wendy’s comment, that as long as “grades” are good, her kids get to chose how they spend their time.

      The grades rule wouldn’t fit my parenting strategy. Well, first of all, ’cause my kids don’t really get grades, and what grades they get would be fairly good/excellent with very little work on their part. Grades don’t also address things like sufficient physical activity. But, I also realized that part of the reason they wouldn’t work for me, is that I don’t want them to reach an absolute standard and then say they’re done — I want them to be motivated to do their own personal best.

      The list isn’t really “unlimited screen time” either, unless the kids are also allowed to chose their bedtime (in which case they might be limited merely by the number of hours in a day). They have to go to school. I think a reasonable estimate of the prescribed activity times would be 3-4 hours. I think, given when the kids come home, that turns out to not be all that different from our rules, which are 1/2 hour of screen time (in our case, television) on weekdays, and a bit more on weekends.

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      1. When I’m on the ball, I have the big kids “buy” screen time. For instance, if they ask to play Minecraft, I might tell them to hang up 20 items of clothing for 10 minutes of Minecraft. When I’m on my game, I can stretch that out for hours. So, it’s theoretically “unlimited” screen time, but I can get a lot out of them.

        Unfortunately, with illness and end of school, I’m not on my game right now, but we’re almost done.

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      2. We use timers a lot around here.

        When I see oldest playing Minecraft, the first thing out of my mouth is, “Have you set a timer?”

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  4. My kid has been probing me on my standards for what constitutes “creative/productive” use of time and what doesn’t, based on my general permission to allow reading almost all the time, ball bouncing/throwing whenever he does it outside, and not in the house, while severely limiting TV & video game time, but allowing audio books more liberally (but not all the time). Why, for example, he asks, do I think reading is more productive than TV.

    In answer, I’ve tried to define a logic of how different activities engage the brain and body (though, of course, that depends on how the activities are done, not just the activity itself). Some video games would probably qualify as active engagement (though not in our house, where we don’t play those games and haven’t invested the learning to make them creative activities).

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    1. My oldest is in the process of building a Minecraft replica of our home. She has put a horse or two in the house in her version, but I’m sure that’s an improvement.

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      1. But would she prefer to work digitally if she could? Or does she switch to physical space on her own?

        There was a period when my kids liked playing “Sims” (which, in their case, mostly meant creating families). In general, this was no different from playing with physical dolls (which they also did). It was easier (no mess, at the computer, taught them computer skills). But, I found it an unacceptable replacement, in too large quantities. I think there’s something about interacting in the virtual world v real world, that impedes my idea of typical child development. It’s hard for me to define exactly, but, I think it has something to do with the potential arbitrariness of the virtual system v the real world. The real world has rules that are governed by the laws of nature (i.e. you drop something, it falls) while the virtual doesn’t. Things can, and do, fall up in the virtual world, and learning to understand the simulated system is a good thing, but it doesn’t replace the real world.

        If, on the other hand, kids are actively interacting with both worlds (playing mine craft, but then building real models, is a good example), in my mind, it would be the best of both worlds.

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      2. bj said:

        “But would she prefer to work digitally if she could? Or does she switch to physical space on her own?”

        Minecraft is better for building models of our house or roller coasters, but she’s always been a big crafter. We got her a fancy pants used German sewing machine last summer.

        In her case, Minecraft is just a different medium, rather than a replacement for the material world.

        In our 9-year-old’s case, he enjoys both Minecraft and block building. My husband made a folding crenellated castle wall for him, as well as some oversized blocks and he spends a lot of time with them.

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  5. All my children need to access screens and the internet to do homework.

    We encourage books; I don’t make a distinction between comics and non-graphic texts. In my opinion, comics, a.k.a. graphic novels, are interesting too. Our single-sex school encourages boys to read graphic novels as well as other books. My older children have read Sandman, for example. Youngest isn’t ready for it yet. (Although I’m pretty sure he’s read his brother’s copy. Oh well. He doesn’t seem traumatized.)

    Much of my effort is expended in making sure the youngest stops reading to go to sleep. Oh, and, we say, “close the book and eat your breakfast” frequently.

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      1. There are a number of good graphic novels out there. I think, though, that this is another case where arbitrary rules based on simple criteria don’t work. Clearly, reading Calvin & Hobbes (which is great) is not a replacement for reading To Kill a Mockingbird — Persephone might be, in depth and mind-stretching. But, Persephone & To Kill a Mockingbird stretch different skills as well as the same.

        At my kids’ age, I’m likely to encourage (or even regulate) their activity where they need more stretching.

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      2. My idea of stretching is “bring child to library or bookstore.” I have found children will seek out new things when they’re ready. They may go through a long period of reading genre fiction–I almost despaired when my daughter tried to read every Nancy Drew book. The Magic Treehouse series would be fine in moderation. None of my children practiced moderation.

        I would not push To Kill a Mockingbird until a child was ready to talk about the issues. And I wouldn’t hold Calvin & Hobbes hostage until the child had read War & Peace.

        I did not let my youngest read Maus when his older siblings read it. He wasn’t ready. He could have understood both too much and too little about the story.

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    2. My screen time restrictions don’t apply for screen time used to do homework (which my 7th grader does extensively). I also exclude screen time that I consider reading/information gathering time (for example, reading the NY times online). But, that does become difficult to regulate, when reading the NY Times morphs into following a video to another video . . . . .

      But, the bottom line is that unlike the rules described above, I’m not willing to give up control yet (i.e. assign tasks, and then allow free time, rather than assign free screen time, and allow other tasks). I think that will change as the kids grow older. The 13 yo is almost ready, even by my standards, to regulate her own time. The 10 yo isn’t yet.

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