Special Education

~ Laura

There is one way for people to be average, but a million different ways to be disabled.

Blogging will be sporadic for the next two weeks. I have about a dozen meetings, as we figure out where to place Ian for middle school next year. It’s a tricky process, and most people of typical kids have no idea what happens. Let me explain.

Public schools are set up for average kids. Schools don’t do very well with kids who don’t fit into the average box. Very smart kids are bored. And kids with learning differences are overwhelmed. Sometimes schools just push the kids with learning differences along. Sometimes, they have classrooms in the back of the school where they group up all the different kids. The different kids are different from each other, and a teacher tries to find some median point to instruct the different kids. If the kids are only slightly different from the average kids, it works out. They can blend into the general population well enough that they can still make friends and take advantage of the opportunities in the school. But if the kid is too different, then a typical school doesn’t work out.

There are private schools that specialize in specific kinds of different kids. One school will focus on the ADHD kids. Another focuses on severely autistic kids. Another will concentrate on the emotionally disturbed kids. Public school districts will pay the tuition for the kids to attend one of the private schools. Some districts, like ours, pay the tuition without too much fuss. Other school districts put up a fight and make the parents hire a lawyer first.

I visited a very nice school this morning that specializes in kids with attention and language difficulties. It was only a 30-minute drive from our house. It might work out. I have to check out the other options, before I make any decisions.

From time to time, I indulge in some self-pity over this process. I get jealous of people with average kids. Towns, like mine, are a Disney-land for average people. There are millions of after-school activities for the kids. Parents socialize through their kids’ activities and parent organizations. The football parents chat on the bleachers and then continue the party at their homes after the games. But then I get a grip and move on. We’re not football-parent-types anyway.

And in some ways, we’re better off than the parents of average kids. It’s nice that we have options. I get to choose a school for my kid. Most parents have no choices. I’m not sure which choice is right for Ian yet. Should we concentrate on vocational goals or keep going on the academic track? But options are a good thing.

Also, I know that we’re better off than the parents of different kids a generation ago. There are names for disabilities now. There are private schools in place. Kids have legal protections. It could be better still, but Ian has a brighter future than the disabled kids in my high school class.

Published by Laura

11 thoughts on “Special Education”

  1. Wondered if you had seen this:
    http://www.salon.com/2014/02/25/my_lessons_in_autism/

    What really resonated in this piece for me was the part where she said to the mom she was counseling that “everything will always take longer with your child. Your child will always demand more of you than other children.” You’re allowed to be sad about that. You’re also allowed to be tired.

    And yes, it can be lonely when you are not part of that in-group of average parents doing average parent things. We are looking at the empty nest down the road and wondering where we will be since for us middle school and high school really weren’t a time for forging close friendship with the other parents, hanging out in the bleachers during a game. Will we figure out how to make friendships with other adults once our kids are gone, or will we just be really lonely?

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    1. Everyone is different, but as we have moved into empty-nesterhood, an increasing percentage of our friends are not the result of school or children’s activities. So it hasn’t been a problem. I should add that we go to a very close-knit summer community with strong neighborly ties, and an evangelical church, advantages which some people might have.

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      1. I’m lucky, because I have almost always lived within 30 minutes of my current home and I have a large extended family nearby. I socialize with former high school friends, old work buddies, special ed parents, former neighbors, and book club people. My current neighbors are football parents or too busy or plain odd, so we don’t hang out with them. I can’t

        That said, I can’t tell you how many of my friends are counting the days until their kids graduate from high school, so they can move back to Manhattan. They are so completely DONE with the suburban life-style. This includes the parents of average kids.

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  2. I’m not sure public schools meet the needs of average kids either and I say that as a strong supporter of public education. They meet the needs of a hypothetical average kid but not very many actual average kids. As a parent to two average kids, one who is in K, I’m coming to terms with the limitations of public education for my children and thinking of ways to make the best of a a situation that is not ideal for my specific children but is good for children in general.

    I have a friend who I would put in the has-no-choice camp (got pregnant in her early 20’s after a fling, father threw the 3-month old baby in the crib in a fit of anger, baby survived but suffered a traumatic brain injury, father went to jail for many years, mom was left single with a disabled child) and she has done amazing things within her limited options. She has made the best of what her local public schools have to offer but the trade-off is that it is like a second job for her. Her son is entering his teen years and my sense is that she feels like she has the school situation covered; that might change but she’s learned how to advocate for her son to get him what he needs and she doesn’t worry about the changes. The scarier part is what happens to him when he finishes school since there’s a huge drop-off in services at that point and it’s entirely new terrain for her to navigate.

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  3. There are so many ways not to be average and it does end up being lonely. It’s just that much harder to connect if you aren’t interested in bantering about professional sports or the Real Housewives of X, or even complaining about your spouse.

    How are we not average? We’re older parents of a singleton. We haven’t lived all our lives in a city that REALLY values being from here. We have interests out of the mainstream. We have a daughter who is active in sports but not a superstar in a city that values being the superstar of the team.

    We too will be moving to a big city once the girl is done school.

    We need a secret handshake or a wink so we can all find each other at the weekend soccer game!

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  5. I am glad you have choices and that the world is a better place for people who are different, not just those with atypical brains or atypical bodies, but people who are different in so many ways.

    My daughter stumbled on the Bell Jar the other day, and we discussed the book, and the role that it played in its time. Yes, Sylvia Plath was actually disabled, but I explained that I thought part of the success of the book was the generalized malaise many women felt at the time, of being trapped in a world that didn’t fit them. I said that I read the book, mostly as a story of mental illness, because, already, by my time, that sense of stultifying requirement to fit the mold had already started to dissipate (and, knowing that the demanding mold was still there for my cousins in another country and for my own mother).

    “I’m coming to terms with the limitations of public education for my children and thinking of ways to make the best of a a situation that is not ideal for my specific children but is good for children in general. ”

    I think that’s part of the point of school in society, to teach people to accommodate? to societies that may not be ideal for them but is good for society in general. And I say this as someone who wants to celebrate differences and accommodate them — accommodating difference shouldn’t mean that everyone searches for and finds the “ideal” environment just for them, unless we are willing to give up the idea that we are indeed social animals who need each other to survive.

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  6. Laura, I know you are doing a ton of work, and it’s great that you do so much advocacy. But if you and your family lived in, say, Michigan’s upper peninsula, or rural Montana, you would have one choice of school for the average kid, the superstar kid, and the special needs kid. 🙂

    On the other theme, I think adults’ deepest friendships come with people they have something in common with other than having kids the same age (or, as my husband puts it, you got lucky the same year).

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  7. Oh, yes, I know we’re fortunate that we have options. We havemore options than almost anywhere else in the country, because this area is densely populated with lots of properly diagnosed kids and highly litigious parents who have paved the way.

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  8. Yes, remember without lawyers, “justice, freedom, equality would only be words” (or something like that).

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