I did some dumb shit when I was a teenager. Dumb. Like if I caught Jonah doing some of the things that I did, he would never leave the house again.
Two things saved me from disaster. My parents and the fact that nobody (especially myself) kept a permanent record of my actions. Because I was a moron, I am quite certain that I would have taken Vine videos and Instagram shots of myself drinking on the steep cliffs that overlook the Hudson River.
Still, my dumb shit seems tame to more recent stories about teenage behavior.
Must read: Sexting, Shame, and Suicide by Nina Burleigh in Rolling Stone Magazine.
Naomi Schoefer Riley in the New York Post asks,
How in God’s name do I make sure that my children are never exposed to that kind of cruelty? That they never inflict it on anyone else? And how do I make them into the kind of kids who stand up for the Audries of the world?
Apt. 11d 
They do dumb shit in college, too. The Cornell lax team just got suspended this fall for hazing.
Did you see Louis C.K.s comments on cell phone use and kids? I was about to cave and let my 11yo have a cellphone, but then I saw that and remained strong.
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Your daughter has one already?
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Yeah, let her have it for her 13th birthday. She’s not really addicted to it because she hates people.
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Yay! I’m thinking April from Parks and Rec.
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OK, I read the story and don’t understand why we’re not blaming the alcohol rather than the phone. I guess because of Laura said — that lots of kids do this stuff and it’s just water under the bridge, unless it’s documented? Phones (constant access, texting, pictures) can be psychologically addictive to the point of causing altered behavior, but alcohol does all that and more directly by messing with brain chemistry.
Or is it that girls are drinking more or that the rules about sex and relationships have changed even from when we were young
Since I was a super-straight high schooler so it’s all mysterious to me.
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why we’re not blaming the alcohol rather than the phone
If we must, we can do without the phone.
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And I want to hear more from the parents who “did dumb shit” when they were young and how that will inform their parenting decisions. I think a big part of having been there is you know how those decisions get made, and thus don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your teen will think like an adult.
My thought right now is my older child is a lot like me (the one who would feel super uncomfortable and isn’t willing to change very much in order to have friends — I think that’s a big part of what “hating people” means), but I don’t feel that way about the younger.
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“My thought right now is my older child is a lot like me (the one who would feel super uncomfortable and isn’t willing to change very much in order to have friends — I think that’s a big part of what “hating people” means), but I don’t feel that way about the younger.”
Heh, yeah, that’s what I mean.
I did not do dumb stuff when I was a teen. I didn’t even do much of it as a college student.
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PS: Another thought — like the uncovering of the Bill Clinton/Lewinski incident and the Romney 47% comment, I think technology is changing the consequences of behavior that used to occur in private. Laura links to Riley’s quote about how to protect a child from being a victim, but an equally important lesson is to teach the kids not to be perpetrators.
The days when a Clinton can simply deny a relationship/harassment/whatever or a Schwarzenegger can deny a child are gone as well as the days when teen boys could deny an assault and have it disappear.
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bj:
“And I want to hear more from the parents who “did dumb shit” when they were young and how that will inform their parenting decisions.”
I’m kind of like you as far as having been a fairly strait-laced high schooler and I’ve only had an alcoholic beverages maybe twice (and then only a serving–but one of the times I accidentally combined it with cough medication–not a good idea!). I don’t think I’ve ever had the exhibitionistic streak that gets people into trouble on social media, but I never had the chance at that age, so who knows?
That said, I did do a number of things when I was college age that I would really prefer that my kids not do, because I was much luckier than I deserved.
1. Getting into a car with people who didn’t know what they were doing (there was this one episode on the CA freeway that I was REALLY lucky to survive). Just because somebody has a license and a car doesn’t mean they know how to drive.
2. Various dating fiascos (under what other circumstances would we happily go off alone with some strange man?)
I also am a little uncomfortable with how I was riding the bus across LA at all hours (I had assignments to do for journalism classes) including one very late night bus ride with a transfer across Compton on the way to meet my grandparents at an airport hotel. (Why? I’m not quite sure.)
I would also prefer that my kids and I also would (looking back) prefer that my kids not hitchhike, which I did on occasion when studying and later working in Russia. (You would pay the equivalent of a dollar or two, and a private car would turn into a taxi. It’s all fun and games until they drive you out into the country and rob you, or whatever, which did happen to people. Problem is, sometimes you’re running late, a bus is nowhere in sight, and it seems like a good idea.)
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I think some of Amy’s list (for example, the bus rides across LA) are examples of things that I worry about forbidding my children from doing (things we did, but that are scary when you imagine your baby doing them!) is part of what I worry about.
As an example, we track our daughter on our iPhone. She’s fairly busy, an tracking allows us to know where she is (if, say, she’s getting a ride from someone else). We do it for comfort and convenience (i.e. should we be getting dinner or is she still stuck in traffic) and not because we don’t believe her about where she is, but it is an awful lot to know about someone else at all times.
Are we really saying, for example, that our kids should never be at a party without an adult chaperone? How about at an event? or at the mall? or in a car driving somewhere? A group of kids from my HS took a senior trip over spring break (without an adult chaperone). Are those all unacceptable activities
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“I think some of Amy’s list (for example, the bus rides across LA) are examples of things that I worry about forbidding my children from doing (things we did, but that are scary when you imagine your baby doing them!) is part of what I worry about.”
Yeah. I think the fact that 1) crime is down and (coincidentally?) 2) the kids would have cell phones makes some difference. With my bus rides across LA, there was always at least some chance of totally misreading a bus schedule or map and getting stranded in the middle of nowhere late at night. I would minimally encourage kids to at least have 1) a cell phone and 2) $20 in cash at all times and ideally 3) a buddy. I generally had the $20 on my LA adventures, but no phone, obviously.
I think the HS spring break with no adult chaperone sounds REALLY dumb on the part of the parents.
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On reflection, I think one of the reasons that I made the really dangerous freeway trip with the guy who didn’t know how to drive was that I didn’t have a license at the time, so I hadn’t really been evaluating him as a driver the way that I would now. Or maybe I wouldn’t have.
I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but the car we were in wound up spinning uncontrollably on the freeway. I’m really lucky to be able to tell the tale.
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Yes, a senior trip over spring break without an adult chaperone is unacceptable. The remaining events may be acceptable, depending on the context.
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Am I the only one curious about the photo accompanying this piece? Is it supposed to be a current photo? Or is it from the 1980s?
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I took the photo from the New York Post. I think it is a picture of some kids who trashed a NFL players’ house and posted pictures of themselves wrecking the place on the Internet. Supreme morons.
As someone who did tons and tons of dumb shit as a teenager and afterwards, there is absolutely NO WAY that I would let my kid do some of the things that I did. Yes, I didn’t die, but I could have. I’m sure that he’ll end up doing his share of dumb shit, but it is my job to make that as difficult as possible.
To clarify, the dumb shit that I did was mostly a lot of fun. (I didn’t trash anybody’s house, and I was never treated badly by boys.) So, I kinda hope that my son has a bit of fun, but completely avoids supreme moronic or evil behavior. I assume that even if I’m a militant, strict parent, my son will still find a way to get into trouble (the harmless kind) here and there.
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“I’m sure that he’ll end up doing his share of dumb shit, but it is my job to make that as difficult as possible.”
But how? How will you decrease the probability that your teen kid from drinking? or drinking to excess?
In that article, 7th graders were exchanging pictures of themselves unclothed. Instagram is huge among the girls in our school (though the boy parents have been more restrictive of phone access). I guess my plan for my older kid is to have her read the article, and I think it might work. But I really don’t know what will work for the little one and can only hope that both he and I are wiser when the time comes.
“To clarify, the dumb shit that I did was mostly a lot of fun. (I didn’t trash anybody’s house, and I was never treated badly by boys.)”
And this is part of the question, which things are stupid enough that our fears should keep our children from risking them, even if they are fun, offer opportunity, or growing experience.
(say, the senior trip over spring break, which doesn’t sound all that bad in the context of the freshmen trip over spring break).
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Reminds me of something a mom of my acquaintance who was a resident associate at a dorm said — that parents would ask her about “relations” among the kids, and she would have to bite her lip to keep from saying, “yes, your children are adults, they are sexually active. Don’t delude yourself.”
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I did lots of dumb shit too, but I think in addition to trying to make it hard for kids to do dumb shit (that’s the job of parenting), we also need to teach them how to react when they do dumb shit. As a parent of two boys, I would hope they would know better than to do something like this, but if they did, then upon sobering up, the first thing they should do is delete the photos, apologize, and then not tell other kids. These boys messed up when they were drunk – bad enough. But then they continued to mess up when sober – that’s criminal. For the record,I have family who live in this school district, and in reading about this, I am not surprised this went down there. Makes me scared for my niece who will enter high school next year.
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