I never planned on being stay at home mom. It just sort of crept up on me.
I invested ten years into graduate school to be a college professor. My plan, if I really had one, was to get tenure at a college with low expectations. I was going to inspire the youth with my lectures about American government and write an occasional article over summer breaks. If I had known that I would end up spending most of my time with the kids and dinner plans and the after-school driving schedule, I would have had a paying gig in my 20’s and stashed away the money. But the job market turned out to be tougher than I thought. My husband changed careers to one that didn’t allow for much co-parenting. And the kids were too sweet to leave. Instead, I worked various part-time jobs and mostly minded the kids for the past 14 years.
In the Atlantic, Lisa Endlich Heffernan talks about her mixed feelings about being a SAHM. She worries that she spent too much time on dumb volunteer jobs and that her time at home has left her financially vulnerable.
Like Heffernan, I have mixed feelings about my job as a stay-at-home parent. There’s no question that opting out of the full-time workforce left me financially vulnerable and made our family’s finances more precarious. I can’t say that my knowledge of Plato and Aristotle is being fully utilized in the soccer carpool. I am sometimes jealous of the built-in social life at my husband’s job. I miss the end-of-the-week pay stub. I can’t neatly summarize my work responsibilities.
Unlike Heffernan, I never volunteered for anything. Instead, I spent my time teaching classes here and there at local colleges, writing an occasional freelance article, and maintaining a small blog. I’m not sure if those experiences will translate into a full-time job when my kids don’t need me anymore. I certainly won’t have a high-powered job, but I might have something that keeps me amused and brings in a modest salary.
Being a SAHM (with various part-time jobs) has some nice points, which really shouldn’t be forgotten. Having one person at home means that the family isn’t so stressed out.
There were a couple of blocks of time where I worked full-time or had a part-time job that required full-time hours. It wasn’t easy. Because we didn’t have a proper daycare or a nanny, I prepared for class and graded papers in the evening or over the weekend. With one child with special needs, we never had access to the same supports as other families. In the pictures of my son’s first communion, I look at horror at my image. I have dark circles under my eyes and a dead look in my eyes. Now, I have plenty of time to buy groceries, make dinner, toss the underwear in the machine, attend school recitals, wait for the repairman, drive a kid to camp, and attend a parent-teacher conference.
There’s no question that we need reforms in government and the private sector that will allow families to function properly, but, at the moment, we don’t. Instead, we have a crappy system where workers are fired for asking for flexible work schedules, where workers are expected to work unreasonable hours, and where workers have hour-long commutes. Given that reality, it’s not surprising that so many women (and men) aren’t “leaning in” or are “opting out” or [insert the catch-phrase du jour].
I can’t really say if my oldest son is better off with me being home. My son seems no different from his friends who have two-career parents. With my oldest, I could have outsourced the carpooling and the homework help and the guidance in navigating middle school dramas, and I’m sure that he would be roughly at the same place. I’m not sure what would have happened to my youngest son who has special needs, if I had a big-time career. I don’t know any two-career families that have a special needs kid.
But, truthfully, I really like helping my kids with their homework. I like learning about the middle school gossip. I like that I taught them how to ride a bike, how to use the potty, how to make play-dough out of flour and water. I look with pride at my growing boys and I know that I did that. I made them into nice people all by myself. I’m sure that I could have paid someone else to teach them the same stuff, but I liked doing it.
I could have done all those things and minimized the stress with a full-time job, if my husband worked normal hours, if we didn’t live in an area with hour-long commutes, if my youngest didn’t have special needs, if I made enough money to compensate for all expenses of working, if I had a career that only expected 35 hours of work, if my mom moved in. But those are a lot of if’s.
Apt. 11d 
Surely Plato and Aristotle are as useful in the soccer carpool as they are on the trading desk or in the writing of loan agreements.
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My parents divorced when I was very young and neither remarried and I think that had a profound impact on my desire to keep working after having children. It’s very important to me to be able to fully financially support myself and my kids should I ever get divorced. It never felt possible to do that and take any lengthy break from the workforce.
It helps that I knew very early on that I would not enjoy being at home full-time and that the unhappiness that would come with taking on that role would not be good for my kids. It also helps (a lot) that I’ve been able to work 80% since they were born without negatively impacting my career. I’m going back to work full-time this fall and I’m ready for the change. I’m appreciative of the extra time I had with them when they were very young but I also feel like the next ten years are my main opportunity to make decent enough money to save their college expenses and my own retirement.
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We did all the same childrearing stuff you did, just with more stress. We didn’t have the resources for a nanny or fancy afterschool activities, so we came home when we could, spent most of our weekend time with the kids, and spent a lot of late nights getting other stuff done.
We definitely couldn’t be paying for college without my income, though. So though I wonder sometimes if I should have stayed at home, financially, that just wasn’t sustainable. A lot of ifs for us as well: lower cost of living, higher paying jobs (being in education is great for the soul but not for the pocketbook), etc.
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Thanks Laura for summarizing why I’m leaving my 50-60 hour a week job to be home for a while. I know that something else more sane will come along…
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It’s so helpful to hear your perspective on this. I’m a SAHM who has done a little part-time work over the past few years. My youngest is starting kindergarten next month and I’m still going to be staying home because he has special needs, but I have such mixed feelings about this. I wouldn’t be able to find a childcare situation for after school and vacations for him that would make my working possible, so I know that it’s the right decision for now. But I never imagined myself in this situation, and so it’s taking some getting used to.
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I hear you. My parents had to move in so I could handle the (more than) full-time job of finishing my dissertation. 😉 And now I can only work because both my hours and my husband’s are flexible. Sometimes I have mixed feelings for working too (my oldest is really upset that I couldn’t go to any of his field trips last year and I don’t know if I’ll be able to go next year either 😦 ). Parenting is hard no matter what, right?
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Laura: I admire you -for more than one reason.
Best,
J.
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I failed as a SAHM. I had always planned on staying home — but never figured out how to make friends with the other moms, hate competition and couldn’t stand the one-upsmanship that seemed to take place in our area regarding people’s kids, was really bad at managing my time on my own and was bored and lonely. I tried: Bible studies, mothers of preschoolers, volunteering at school, taking community classes, going to the gym, scrapbooking, writing a novel, playgroups — and never really found my niche. I was told by the PTA witches that “we think you’d be happier volunteering at some other organization.” My darling Aspie kids and me were never invited on playdates — I remember one mom and her telling her that “we never have playdates.” actually she meant “we would never have a playdate with you and your kind.”
On some level, I still feel like I went back to work as a sort of cop-out. At home I just got fat and ended up on antidepressants.
At least at work I have friends and interests and the money is nice. I look at all the happy SAHM’s like my sister-in-law and I feel the same sort of rejection that I felt in high school. The mean girls have figured out how to have their cliques and enjoy their stay at home mom fun but I never felt included. Instead, I just felt judged — wearing the wrong clothes for pick-up, shopping at the wrong stores, getting my hair done at the wrong salon. And yes, I tried therapy, which helped marginally.
I think it was mostly the loneliness that made me unable to really be there for my kids even when I was there for my kids. Since then, I’ve met a lot of working moms who feel the same way — we kind of felt forced out of the SAHM social circle, and that it is at least partially responsible for the decision to return to work.
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Ditto what JRLRC says,Laura: thanks very much for sharing these conflicted, but enriching thoughts. May they be shared far and wide.
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thanks, Russell!
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A few tips:
1. I was honest when I said that there isn’t a noticable difference between my kid and kids who have 2 working parents. If the 2 working parents get home at a reasonable hour. If the parents turn off work when they get home. If the parents aren’t freaking out duirng the morning routine. If the kid and parent interact when they’re at home. Whatever. It’s all good. The kids who look unhappy are the ones who don’t see either parent for three or four days in a row. (yes, there are a lot of those kids around here.)
2. There can be a toxic, popular girls clique in the SAHM circles. It’s very easy to avoid them. There are horrible people everywhere. The horrible SAHM’s aren’t any more horrible than some of the back stabbers that I’ve come across in academia.
It is much harder to find your place in community life, if you have a child/children with special needs. But I’ve made some very nice friends with other parents in the special needs world. I’ve met some nice people who aren’t in the parenting circles. I met people through the PT jobs. I have a lot of family around here, too, which helps.
3. There are lots of people doing SAHP the wrong way. I’m here to help out the kids, not for the SAH lifestyle. So, when the kids are in school, I’m not volunteering or lunching. I’m hustling to get various projects happening.
4. Being at home isn’t for everyone. I enjoyed aspects of it, but tastes vary.
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It helped that I was in the city living in a bohemian neighborhood when the kids were babies. There weren’t any snobby, rich parents to deal with. There were lots of SAHD’s. The other parents were struggling artists, writers, musicians, and college professors. I went for two or three hour walks everyday and chatted with the store keepers and supers and other parents. Parenting in the suburbs is much more isolating.
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Some random thoughts about being another accidental SAHM…
When the man and I met we were at the same level career-wise. I chose to make a career change and he “stayed on the f***ing bus” (<—-Helsinki Bus Station Theory). We ended up lopsided financially and once we had our child and were in a "new to us" city, it made more sense lifestyle-wise for me to be the main caregiver.
At one time I was all over "leaning in" and never in a million years thought I'd be a SAHM. I even delayed marriage and children because I saw how unhappy my mom was in that situation. Yes I did realise that it was my mom rather than the situation. I just didn't have any/many positive role models.
What do I miss? I have a shorthand with the man where I joke that I miss the birthday cake in the lunch room. In other words, the social side of paid work. The built in network and the periodic pats on the head for a job well done. Extrinsic rewards.
And I realised quite quickly how I linked/conflated financial success with personal success. Not being in the paid work force initially did a number on my confidence.
What I love about it? I get to pursue my creative passions – I write and I photograph. Now working on a food photography portfolio. I have a blog and through that and social media I've met and made friends/built a community of people that I never would have met otherwise. That's a huge lifesaver- we aren't limited by geography any longer to find people who share our passions.
The man travels for work and I am flexible enough to tag along on occasion (also now when the girl's school schedule permits). We've travelled a lot as a family as a result.
It's also easier having a point person in charge of the home life. I take great joy in the small moments like walking the girl to and from school (she's 7 1/2).
It's a tricky topic to talk about because it can end up being so loaded with judgements. And don't get me wrong, I appreciate FULLY the privilege that I enjoy to not have to do paid work full time. You never forget what having nothing is like when that's how you grew up.
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“The man travels for work and I am flexible enough to tag along on occasion (also now when the girl’s school schedule permits). We’ve travelled a lot as a family as a result.”
Oh, yes! We’re not well-placed for that at the moment, but there are some wonderful possibilities available to us as a family (a summer in Oxford, a semester in Scotland). We’ve already had a couple of memorable trips that were combined business/pleasure–a week in Princeton and a seminar at a small Christian college in lovely Santa Barbara where all the wives (it was all wives) did fun day trips. (And I’m a little regretful we didn’t do the 2 or years at an Arab satellite campus that was available to us some years back.) And we did four years of faculty-in-residence at some point–that would have been the last thing I wanted to do if I had both a full-time job and two little kids. As it was, I’m not quite sure how we managed, but it was a very productive four years with free rent and no commuting time whatsoever.
If I were working 9-5, much of that would be less feasible.
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I’ve often thought on this: “I don’t know any two-career families that have a special needs kid.” — in my alterna-life (the one where we “win” the lottery and have a kid with special needs), I’m definitely a SAHM. And my husband definitely doesn’t get to go change the world via software.
I only know one career mom with a special needs kid. She does it with three parents (Mom, Dad, and Mom’s second husband — note the marriage did not survive); working out of her house; a school in the neighborhood in a school district known for good resources for autistic kids; and a nanny who is professionally qualified to work with autistic kids.
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This is so refreshing to be able to hear your perspective, because I have taken a different path–finished my PhD and now work full time in an administrative-teaching focused role while my spouse teaches college with a much more flexible schedule to allow for shuttling the kids around in the afternoons. While I love my demanding job,I also wonder what would have happened if he had taken the demanding job and I was the “flex” parent and handled a lot of the things you handle for your kids and family. I also ask myself “what if..” but at the same time, it works for us and fits for us really well. My kids are the same ages as yours approx. I will never seek more work responsibility (although I do work on national projects in my field) until my kids are much older, as I feel I’m always juggling the school volunteering and baseball games with my work schedule and working out and time with friends etc. etc. and all that….but still…I think it’s normal to consider the “what ifs…” I think it helps that many of my close girlfriends and my sisters have similar types of situations to me…so we support each other,compare notes, help normalize all the crazy days…
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