Autism has been much on minds today.
We had another grumpy priest experience at church today. The priest was annoyed that Ian didn't hold his hands in the correct way to receive the host. This time, I went back to the church to talk about their intolerance, and I was told that they think other parishioners aren't treating the host with correct reverance, so they have had to become more militant.
These slights against autistic people is part of a larger problem as the Catholic church reacts to criticism by becoming more conservative and less inclusive. They are battening down the hatches and giving up being catholic with the small "c."
Despite my many misgivings about the growing conservatism Church politics, marginalization of nuns, and obsession with sex, we've kept attending services, because it's good to escape our materialistic world for an hour per week. We went every week even when Ian was three, and it was major work to keep him quiet for an hour. He learned to tolerate the smell of incense and glare of light through the stained glass. We kept going, even after the Catholic pre-school tossed him out for not talking.
But the dirty looks might be the last straw.
Other recent articles about autism were discussed today. We've been talking about this opinion piece that autism might be caused by a defective auto-immune system in the mother. (I don't have allergies, but everyone else in my family does.) These articles about the causes of autism always make me feel guilty. I shouldn't read them.
I liked Tyler Cowen's article at the Chronicle, which railed against the dehumanizing languaged used by scientists who study autism.
After all this, I feel like battening down our own hatches.
Apt. 11d 
Thank you so much to the article on autism! I have a kid who’s on the spectrum who has one of those weird overactive immune systems — who got some kind of hip inflammation and had to use crutches when he got the flu; who needed steroids for croup; who got a little OCD whenever he got strep, which was frequent. I often wondered if I was imagining the connection.
But mostly I like the article because for years we had blamed ourselves for raising our kids in Eastern Europe for several years of their young lives, imagining that they got Asperger’s from breathing in the traffic fumes from our downtown apartment when people used leaded gas in their cars, or maybe from the leaded paint used in the apartment, or maybe from all the smoking or maybe from the crap and bacteria in the food. How truly delightful to read an article that suggests that exposing your children to toxins is actually a good thing since it keeps them from developing an overactive immune system. THinking of framing the article!
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“But the dirty looks might be the last straw.”
You know who is really picky and difficult? Autistic spectrum adults (or other adults with related issues–OCD or whatever). Cut these people at church a break, because there is an excellent chance that Ian will grow up to be an older man who can’t stand being around loud or imperfectly behaved children.
I’ve mentioned before the older member of our family circle who can’t stand it when doors aren’t shut perfectly quietly (he gives demonstrations of correct technique) or crumbs are left on any surface for any length of time. (This makes him a real joy to be around with small children.) When our oldest was 3 (some years before we realized she was going to need a lot of help with her motor skills), he was very critical of her table manners. On the one hand, this is not my very favorite person in the world. On the other hand, the more I know about autism and neurological difference, the more I realize that this older man suffers a lot of sensory discomfort and his life isn’t easy. It isn’t true that to understand all is to forgive all, but it’s worth remembering that quirky, antisocial children often grow up into quirky, antisocial adults.
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Well, as it says in the bible, “Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me, unless of course the guy can’t hold his hand right or whatever. Just go ahead and throw him out.”
That’s how it goes, right? I mean, a priest would know.
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…quirky, antisocial adults who return new purchases to the store if they have the tiniest, most microscopic imperfection. Or people for whom the glass is 5% empty, rather than 95% full.
It’s like being around Adrian Monk, except without the humor, mystery-solving or cute sidekick. It is a burden to spend time with people like that, but it’s much more painful to be them than to be around them.
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As I’ve discovered, our 7-year-old shares some of the older relative’s features and there is a positive flip side that has to be mentioned. Our 7-year-old (like the older relative) is very conscientious, truthful and eager to do right, his teachers love him, he keeps his room very tidy, and his laundry seems to magically hang itself up in his closet.
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Amazed that a thoughtful, intelligent feminist woman would actually want to go to that vehicle of pure patriarchy, the Catholic church. That kind of religion belongs to another age and stage of humanity.
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Cut these people at church a break, because there is an excellent chance that Ian will grow up to be an older man who can’t stand being around loud or imperfectly behaved children.
There’s a difference between ‘cutting a break’ and continuing to put one’s family in the same situation week after week. We switched from a religious to a secular pre-school for comparable reasons. Let the priests do whatever they want, just without you there to deal with it. On the other hand . . .
Amazed that a thoughtful, intelligent feminist woman would actually want to go to that vehicle of pure patriarchy, the Catholic church.
My childhood bully made the national news a few weeks ago when she started spewing crap about AIDS being a heaven’s punishment for gays, and how gay marriage was evil. It was sort of like moving out of Smallville and finding out Lex Luthor was still trying to get you.
Anyway, one of the facts I had learned about her from the articles is that since I knew her, she had started attending a Catholic Church. The Episcopalians had become to gay friendly, so she switched. With religion, there is always some self-segregation going on. The Catholic Church isn’t simply driving people away who disagree with their views — they are also attracting people who find those views attractive. In the end, you end up with a different set of congregants, and even greater difficulty changing to the times since so many people joined you specifically because you were not changing.
http://www.phillyburbs.com/blogs/news_columnists/jd_mullane/a-marriage-traditionalist-speaks-out/article_4d6a7d2a-383b-51d2-ac38-02df7ef63256.html?mode=print
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These slights against autistic people is part of a larger problem as the Catholic church reacts to criticism by becoming more conservative and less inclusive.
Firmly establishing the relevance of the Eucharist is of course very conservative, but not really in ways that align with the current political climate. The importance of the sacraments and the communal nature of prayer is the major difference between Catholicism and the Protestant denominations that have the most similar views politically.
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Yes, Catholics have a different understanding about the Eucharist and ritual than other Protestant religions. I also understand that they feel that these doctrines were diluted in the 60s and they want to return back to their roots. That’s fine. What bothers me is how they are going about this.
Alright, I have to admit that I didn’t simply talk with a priest at the church yesterday. I yelled at him. He was absolutely dead certain that the congregation was full of people who would go through the trouble of attending mass and then toss the host on the floor as they were leaving the church. They’ve gone into full scale paranoia land. Instead of a loving and generous church, we’re getting a paranoid, angry, defensive, insulated church.
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What bothers me is how they are going about this.
I’m not disputing that.
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I simply can’t make sense of religion at all, and so usually don’t contribute, since all I can really say is “why care at all” (eucharist? incense? . . .).
In this case, though, I feel like I’m also observing this effort by the catholic church to reinforce the rules and strongly choosing rules over inclusiveness when they clash. Our interaction is through the sports league my kids play in — they attend a private school that plays in the Catholic youth league at the elementary levels. In the last five years we’ve seen a concerted increase in Catholic ritual/rules/behavior in the league. Twice we’ve clashed over the battle of prayers before games and now the larger changes in local church organizations in our city have me grateful that neither of my kids is playing in the CYO this year.
Mind you, the league is the *Catholic* youth league, and I do think that if the league wants to require prayer before basketball games, they should be permitted to do so. But, the requirement would mean that we couldn’t participate, and, also that I would have to agitate for our school to not participate.
For your family’s goal of integrating inclusion and faith, though, might there be another parish/priest that’s more accommodating? I hear that in our city there’s variety in the degree of accommodation, in spite of the directives coming from the bishop.
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“There’s a difference between ‘cutting a break’ and continuing to put one’s family in the same situation week after week.”
It’s NJ, there should be lots of different parishes and Mass times to choose from. Also, I wonder, could Laura’s family have accidentally chosen the old lady Mass? You get totally different populations at different times of day. I would normally recommend the loud baby church/loud baby Mass for kids, but I suspect that might be even less suitable for Ian than the old lady mass. Maybe a college chaplaincy? We like ours a lot, although the folding chairs they use for overflow in the vestibule are an invitation to trouble for our kids–the chairs squeakily move around a good foot or two over the course of a 60 minute Mass. Pews are so much better with children.
Also, Magnifikids.
http://www.magnificat.net/magnifikid/faq.asp
We once got hissed at twice at the same Mass by different ladies when our oldest was about 18 months. It was an old Jesuit college chapel with no place to take loud children and we’d wound up in the front, as that’s where the only seats were (bad tactical mistake on our part!). What we didn’t realize before we arrived was that the fragile elderly Jesuit who was celebrating the mass had a cult following among some older ladies (who were very naturally right up there in front, too), and they wanted to hear every word he said. We didn’t make that mistake twice.
My husband and I had a moment of horror a couple weeks ago when it was announced that our new pastor (an Indian missionary priest) now wants all CCD kids to bring a signed parish bulletin in every time they attend Mass outside our parish. The chances of our successfully procuring a bulletin for each child on Sunday, getting it signed by a deacon or priest and then remembering to bring it in on Wednesday is practically nil, and we often attend Mass at the college chaplaincy. We were perturbed by the policy change and accelerated our take-the-pastor-to-lunch plan. He backpedaled quite a bit once we started grilling him about it over an excellent Thai curry lunch and I think we eventually realized that the parish is in a very difficult situation with regard to the many families that do CCD in order to get the kids their sacraments, don’t appear at Mass, and then have the kids lie to their CCD teachers about having been elsewhere. I think the new policy has next to no chance of success (and will be a bookkeeping headache for the parish staff), but now I understand the difficulties of the situation.
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Oh man, that article. Fuck. My Graves disease had just gotten under control when I concieved my oldest.
It might be time to church-shop. We found wonderful acceptance in our congregation; the church nurtured my son spiritually and socially (and musically, fwiw). We are Anglican but I’m sure it has more to do with the specific clergy and congregation than the denomination. I can’t believe all Catholic priests are like that.
I know a Jewish family who became Quaker and a Catholic family who became Morman because those specific churches offered their children a place in the community. Just musing, not suggesting you do the same…
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It has also occurred to me that a number of families probably really enjoy getting an hour and twenty minutes of free babysitting every Wednesday night.
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now wants all CCD kids to bring a signed parish bulletin in every time they attend Mass outside our parish
I’ve never even heard of that. Somebody should slap back at that pretty quickly. Speaking of the bulletin, the bishop should start requiring parishes to put the bulletin on the web. In my experience, smaller parishes aren’t and it makes it harder to find a holiday mass when travelling.
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“Somebody should slap back at that pretty quickly.”
We initially spoke to the CCD staffers at registration about the new policy, and they showed a real lack of enthusiasm for it. I expect the policy will die from near universal non-compliance. I’ll try to remember, but we’re going to have a new baby soon, and I expect I will have other things on my mind.
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My grandma and her friends used to successfully drop hints hints when the sermon got too long. I didn’t ask her how they did it, but whatever the method it probably can’t be done by a non-elderly man.
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And church leaders wonder why younger people aren’t lining up to be part of their congregations. . . .
I wish you luck but I expect it’s time to look for a different parish in search of a humane church environment. A priest who refuses to see the individual before him in his congregation is not the person I’d like to have the cure of souls!
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“My grandma and her friends used to successfully drop hints hints when the sermon got too long. I didn’t ask her how they did it, but whatever the method it probably can’t be done by a non-elderly man.”
This past year was the year our parish had four pastors in barely one calendar year, which has everybody suffering from new pastor fatigue. My husband pointed out to me that the one we had in the fall started out ad libbing the liturgy (a huge no-no) but then mysteriously stopped several weeks later. I suspect some form of parishioner action, but have no idea what happened.
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For me there is a big difference between an adult who is mono-focused/picky/whatever in his private life, and a priest and parish deciding on making it difficult for members of their church with disabilities/differences to partake in the core rite of the Church because they don’t hold their hands properly. In the one, you might have poorer family relations but hopefully people know you and let it go. In the other you are entrenching intolerance into your policies.
I will say though I bailed on the RCIA ten years ago for similar and other issues, so I might be biased.
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“My grandma and her friends used to successfully drop hints hints when the sermon got too long.”
Lyle Lovett can hep you out with that.
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