Worst Commencement Speeches

Katie Roiphe discusses the worst commencement speeches. 

I think that the commencement speech at my graduate program should make the list. 

It was a very hot day. My hair curled up under my cap, despite the gallons of hair product that I had plastered on it that morning. Steve, my parents, and Jonah were there. Jonah was two, and I was very worried about how he was going to handle the long ceremony without a nap. It was one month before I became pregnant with Ian. Three months before 9/11. 

Steve was annoyed that he couldn't graduate with me. His adviser decided that Steve really needed to reorganize his entire dissertation, which would require another year's worth of work. Lesson – Never work on a dissertation with a faculty member who had never been asked to serve as an adviser before and was simultaneously retiring. 

The university handed out honorary degrees to three important people (IP). One of the IPs was an old song and dance man from Broadway. He and his wife sang some bouncy Broadway chestnuts, before they eased into their chairs with their walkers. 

The university didn't bother to bring in an IP to give our commencement speech. Some blowhard from the English Department did the job. For 45 minutes, this guy bored us with the gems from his research. The old Song and Dance dude said with his Brooklyn accent, "how long is this guy going to talk?" and walked off stage. 

Then the Blowhard tried to sum up his talk. "… which brings me to my final point. What is the purpose of this school? What will happen to all these students [who have no hope of finding a job?] They will become college administrators! They will lead us into the future."

We sat there, slightly damp in the poorly air conditioned room, with our mouths wide open. We spent eight years at this school and now they tell us that they never thought we would find teaching jobs? We whispered curses at the Blowhard, but didn't make a scene.