Like everyone else, I'm listening to the "You're Not Special" commencement speech. It's running on YouTube in the background as I write this post. I loved this interview with David McCollough Jr. on CBS. He explains that kids, especially privileged kids, are too coddled and self absorbed and that a good life comes from selflessness. In the interview, he adds that kids are worse off than five years ago, because electronic media has diminished attention spans and concerned kids with stupid things.
Recently, I wrote that good parents bring about all sorts of unintended consequences, including segregation and inequality. Good parents also make their kids too self centered, fill them with unrealistic expectations, and, ultimately, make them unhappy.
The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you're a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer. You'll note the founding fathers took pains to secure your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness-quite an active verb, "pursuit"-which leaves, I should think, little time for lying around watching parrots rollerskate on Youtube. The first President Roosevelt, the old rough rider, advocated the strenuous life. Mr. Thoreau wanted to drive life into a corner, to live deep and suck out all the marrow. The poet Mary Oliver tells us to row, row into the swirl and roil. Locally, someone… I forget who… from time to time encourages young scholars to carpe the heck out of the diem.
Apt. 11d 
I think part of being supportive is being realistic, as in, helping people figure out how they will get from X to Y, and what realistically it takes. I think saying “you can never do Y” isn’t any more helpful than saying, “you can do whatever you want.” If you said, “to be a pediatrician, you need to be getting at least this GPA in school, and these grades in these classes, and here’s the minimum SAT score you need, here are scholarships you need to get if you want to have a real chance at paying for college, and here’s how hard you will have to work to get there etc.” you might be communicating similar information (effectively you can’t do Y), but in a more helpful way.
Also, you never know. I had a relative from a working class background and none of her family had gone to college or were even all that functional. She got pregnant at 15 and dropped out of high school, and (I was about 9 at the time), the narrative was “X wanted to be a doctor, and now she’s a HS drop-out teen mom, and she’ll never be a doctor.” 20 years later, after a lot of hard work, she’s now a doctor.
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I’ll admit it was more a point of etiquette than anything else but I thought a commencement speech wasn’t the time for it, even if he made valid points. If you can’t celebrate achievement and wild possibility on that day, when can you?
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I read this quote from the speech over at Jeremy Lott’s place:
“[S]tatistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.”
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/jeremylott/2012/06/why-groomzillas-are-rare/
The 50% divorce rate isn’t true these days, particularly not for college graduates, which is who he is addressing.
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I wonder if any commencement speaker has ever said “Remember man that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return” and then left the stage.
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Even better, MH: “Memento mori.”
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A good parent has to set their children up for the reality of life. If all you’re doing is getting them the best and giving them life on a silver platter without preparing them for how to handle hard times, you’re hardly being a good parent.
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I find the talk of “likelies, matches, and reaches” used for college apps meaningful in talking about what kids should hear. There are some life plans that reaches for everyone, even the most extraordinary child (Olympic athletes, astronauts, actor, president, supreme court justice, nobel prize winning scientist, best-selling author, director, superstar billionaire inventor, . . .). There are some life plans that are matches for a fair number of kids, reaches for others (lawyer, doctor, scientist, graphics artist, video game designer, computer person, small business owner, policeman, teacher, fireman, . . .). And some of those professions are safeties for some students. I’m hard pressed to find what the safeties are for everyone (i.e the 15 year old pregnant girl, . . .) but it’s worth looking for them for a particular child.
To discuss these options realistically doesn’t mean that you tell your kid they can’t be president some day, but that you do point out that it’s a reach for everyone.
And, ultimately, he’s wrong using the words “you’re not special.” First, ’cause in spite of the “incredibles” everyone really is special, in some way, and certainly everyone is special to the people who love them, including their parents. Second, ’cause some of the people he is talking to really are special, extraordinary, amazing, capable of great things. It’s still a reach for them to imagine they’ll lead the free world or star in a broadway musical. But, someone will. Someone is special.
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bj,
That’s how I would describe why I’m in grad school. I know the odds, and I’ve read tons of those “this is why grad school destroys your life” sorts of articles. I know its risky business and its also a bit of a ‘reach’ for anyone. However, I’ve had the same career goal in life since I was 8, and I figure as long as I have a realistic shot, I might as well aspire to fulfill my life’s dream. I know I might not finish, or might not get a job in academia and end up doing something else, or I might pick my family over my career, and none of those seem like terrible plan Bs to me. As it is though, someone out there is going to get my dream job, so I while I’m still in the running I might as well try to see if it can be me.
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I teach IR and I still get the young man or lady who walks into my classroom or office and announces that s/he wants to be Secretary of State. To me, it’s usually an indicator of someone who hasn’t done that much homework in terms of researching careers. I’d rather hear something like “I’d like to get a degree in public health and work abroad in AIDS policy” or “I’d like to work on sustainable development initiatives at USAID” because it indicates both focus and realism. I usually try to get them from “I’m going to be the Secretary of State” to that second set of goals.
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Amy P,
particularly not for college graduates, which is who he is addressing.
He’s addressing the 2012 graduates of Wellesley Public High School.
Median household income: $139,784. Median value of owner-occupied housing units, 2006-10: $892,900.
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Oops.
On the other hand, outside of Hollywood, kids from well-heeled families probably also have lower divorce rates.
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I usually try to get them from “I’m going to be the Secretary of State” to that second set of goals.
I’m going to be secretary of labor.
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