Arlie Russell Hochschild has a new book, The Outsourced Self: Intimate Life in Market Times
With women in the office, extended families dispursed, and communities in shambles, the job of care taking of others has been outsourced to professionals for a dollar. Hochschild looks at love coaches, nannies, elder-care managers, surrogate nannies in India. She wonders whether "we are dividing the world into emotional types — order-barking, fast-paced entrepreneurs at the top, and emotionally attuned, human-paced mediators at the bottom?”
Judith Shulevitz has a great review in this week's New York Times book review. I just ordered this book.
Apt. 11d 
Wow! Thanks for a great read this morning — that essay/review is absolutely riveting. I can’t wait to read the book — though I probably won’t buy it in hardcover but will wait until they have it in the library.
I’m of two minds on the whole outsourcing thing — I remember seeing kids in Northern Virginia whose parents would do things like invite the whole class to a birthday, not because they were remarkably generous, but because they honestly had no idea who their child’s friends were, but figured by inviting everyone they would likely get most of them in there. I hosted birthday parties for my kids attended by me, my kids, their friends and their nannies. I never thought, honestly, about whether the nanny felt snubbed in that situation. I know that I felt snubbed, that somehow or other I was good enough to feed and entertain someone else’s child, but not good enough for the other mothers to actually get to know.
I hired a wedding planner because I was working abroad and only returned home two weeks before the wedding. Hadn’t really thought about how I was paying someone else to do the emotional part of wedding planning, as well as the logistics — though honestly, my MIL hates me for being the wrong ethnicity, as well as having a career — and having a professional in there to plan the thing worked much better with the emotional stuff. But I also knew I was doing it partly because my mom was incapable of handling it emotionally. (Too many memories, given my sister’s failed marriage, etc.) We’ve hired nannies, au pairs and house cleaners from time to time — including when we lived in the developing world. I do remember feeling lots of mixed emotions about the poor women who cared for my children as I finished my dissertation — as well as feeling extreme envy for how much better they seemed to be at it than I ever was. (Realize how it’s just that they were older and more experienced, but still . . . ) Also, wonder if my son’s asperger’s might have been diagnosed sooner if we hadn’t used nannies, au pairs etc. while I worked.
I’d be interested in other’s thoughts about whether they feel guilty/ambivalent and what else you guys have outsourced.
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There was a slightly different take on her work in an article from Maclean’s (Canadian newsmag) the other week: http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/05/15/life-with-help-how-did-we-get-so-useless/
Here’s a brief excerpt from the article that intrigued me with the recent discussions we’ve had about ultra-competitive parenting:
The thinking goes that it’s wisest to let the pros do what they do best—lest we mess up. “If you’re buying a car you want to do it efficiently, you want a pleasant experience, and you want the best price. That logic is creeping into our personal life,” says Hochschild. In her book, she tells the story of a father who insists on planning his child’s birthday party. “It backfired,” recalls Hochschild. “He tried to be a clown and nobody laughed. And a neighbour says, ‘Leave it to the experts. They know what five-year-olds think is funny.’ ”
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I am a foster parent, which is sort of the flip side of nannying. Being a professional parent has been a weird mental and emotional challenge. This book sounds very interesting, and I definitely know of many foster parents who have their own childhood history of abuse and neglect and are now making up for it with their jobs the way some of the other caregivers in the NYT review do.
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I always worry that this kind of book idealizes a brief moment in history when it was expected that nuclear families (though, I think, with a stable friend base) to satisfy the needs of their children and families (i.e. the 50’s) and ignores all the different ways that people managed their families in the past (and will in the future).
I think the exchange of money changes things, but not as much as those who don’t pay expect. Teachers, nannies, tutors, coaches, get paid for their work, but that doesn’t mean that they are “strangers” or that they do the work only for money or that they don’t build emotional bonds with the people in their care. These are all long term relationships.
I also think that some children value a parent doing things for them (one of mine does a lot, the other not as much) and that parents have to look at the kind of kid they have.
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““It backfired,” recalls Hochschild. “He tried to be a clown and nobody laughed.”
Clowns aren’t funny and a lot of people hate them. Plus, they scare many little kids (those horrible painted faces!). What that guy needed was somebody to tell him that, not a professional clown. My husband did a small, very amateurish magic show for our daughter’s 2nd grade (?) birthday party and it was very successful. Around the same time, I saw a “professional” clown putting on a better show at a much larger party, but getting pelted with snack food by some of the kids. Kids are a very fickle audience.
(From Iowhawk’s Twitter “The clown continuum goes from “alcoholic” to “murderer.””)
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Sorry, it was a professional MAGICIAN getting pelted by bored elementary school roughs.
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It sounds very interesting but it also sounds like it comes close to the black/white thinking trap; you’re either a poor person providing care or a rich person paying for it. Most people are somewhere in the vast middle and are both the provider and payer at different times in their lives.
I outsource part of the caregiving of my children to a nanny, so I’m paying someone to do part of the emotional labor of my life. But that nanny is also my neighbor, someone who I’ve known since before my children were born. So is employing her also strengthening community ties? I suspect that once you get to the vast middle you’ll find a lot of economic relationships blur boundaries in similar ways.
I’m interested in reading the book and expect there will be more nuance than in the review.
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“So is employing her also strengthening community ties? I suspect that once you get to the vast middle you’ll find a lot of economic relationships blur boundaries in similar ways.”
When I nannied for a couple years in DC, it was for a couple where the husband was a secretary at my husband’s department. My little girl and their little girl and we were all eventually good friends. It’s pretty hard to map the hierarchies involved in that situation–it would be Escheresque.
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and, our paid “nanny” was my spouse’s cousin’s wife; the relationship strengthened bonds between our families, helped us manage our time, and her manage her time for the period when we had that relationship (in addition to the family one).
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I’m interested in the dating web site/services outsourcing. As a single woman who would really like to meet someone, I’ve come to feel that if I am not doing internet dating (which costs at least $20 a month and can be much, much more expensive), I’m not “trying” – even if I go to every event I can, get set up as much as I can, etc. This is of course what the people who run these sites want me to think, and for that reason alone I’m tempted to pull the plug.
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af – Maybe you should give the online dating websites a try. My brother and SIL met that way. It’s not totally horrible.
I have a lot of care-taking responsibilities on my plate. Some parts, I would be happy to outsource. Other parts, I do really well and I know that I’m better at it than any pro.
I’ve been dealing with nursing homes for a distant relative right now. Elder care is pretty terrible in this country. If people are going to outsource the care of their parents, then they really need to do a better job choosing the home. And we all should be more concerned about what they do with old people in the country.
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“I’m interested in the dating web site/services outsourcing.”
Now that you mention it, outsourcing dating is very old school. Going it alone is the innovation.
Here are Tevye’s daughters singing “Matchmaker”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqccwjmjNGk
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“If people are going to outsource the care of their parents, then they really need to do a better job choosing the home…”
It’s kind of terrible to say it, but I can think of some people who’d better shape up quick if they want to wind up in the nursing home with the nice nurses.
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I wish there were a yenta that could set me up, especially a singing one. The online sites seem to work for some people but (though I’ve tried a couple, and am still signed up with one) not so much for me. Also, once you’re past a certain age, any halfway-decent man who actually has friends can be set up (if willing) with dozens of halfway-decent women, but the reverse has not proven to be true.
That Fiddler on the Roof song is great, and when you think about it, both funny and realistic: “It’s not that I’m sentimental…it’s just that I’m terrified!” I imagine people who are headed into elder care probably feel this way too.
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As Scantee po8ints out, this seems a bit black and white. My parents still live independently in their own home, but we have found an elder care attorney and an elder care manager. I think this preserves our relationship. My parents do not like feeling as if they need to be reliant on me or my siblings. This lets them talk to someone else (and feel that they are managing their own affairs) and we feel that they are being given good advice. They have someone who can help them when they think the doctor bill is wrong etc. without feeling as though we (me and my siblings) are intruding on them.
They are currently selecting a nursing home in the event they need it. They are still active (water aerobics, ham radio gatherings) and they want to stay in the area where their friends are. It is really hard to find new friends at 80+, and taking them away from the area really will be a last resort.
If we didn’t do it this way, then they would likely have to move nearer one of my siblings (and lose the support of their friends) or I (most likely me, not my siblings) would have to find a job there.
Both options would destroy our current relationship. So, are we outsourcing caring?
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“They are still active (water aerobics, ham radio gatherings) and they want to stay in the area where their friends are. It is really hard to find new friends at 80+, and taking them away from the area really will be a last resort.”
If you live long enough, you eventually get to bury all your friends, and are just left with descendants. That’s where my grandparents are right now. Of course, it’s only a minority of elderly who live that long.
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My 90 yo mother is in a church related place (think Dante and the Circles – outer ring is you have an apartment and can go to the center for meals or cook your own, middle ring is assisted living, inner ring is the SNF) and is still in the outer ring, and making new friends with the new people who move in. There are (a few) people there she’s known since 1955. A lot depends on how quickly you fall into the abyss. We visit when we can, but her life is full enough that when we phone she often shuts us off so we won’t conflict with her Great Books club.
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Dave S. That’s the type of place they are looking at, but since many of their friends are living and nearby and they have been friends for 50+, 60+ and 70+ years, they don’t want to move away. I don’t think it is my place to make them.
af, Have you tried meetup? Not the singles groups, but just stuff you are interested in. I got a lot of dates through that (wine and beer tastings, hiking and board games) before I met my boyfriend. It felt much more natural to me and the conversation seemed to flow better than on dates I met through the internet. I still belong to many of the groups and do activities.
But if you really want someone else to help with the online stuff, there people who will write your profile etc. I haven’t used the service, but I know of one company called A Little Nudge. I’m sure there are others.
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If people are going to outsource the care of their parents, then they really need to do a better job choosing the home.
Most people don’t have a choice, they take the place they can afford. Elder care in the home becomes really hard when dementia sets in or physical problems have someone continually in and out of the hospital.
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af,
I don’t know how old you are, but 90% of my single friends are on OKCupid, which is free. It might trend younger, but it’s minimum commitment to put up a profile and see what happens since there aren’t any monthly fees. I know people who have had success finding partners from the site too.
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af,
I just saw this:
http://dearwendy.com/same-woman-two-years-apart/#comments
It’s Garfunkel & Oates singing 29/31 (warning: loud, and with some bad words).
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I’d say our society allows people to specialize in their strengths. I gather nannies who work for Masters of the Universe types can receive handsome salaries.
I outsource quite a bit. We buy items we could cook from scratch at home–bread, ice cream, taboule, yogurt. We’ve outsourced our children’s educations to schools.
Every discussion of nannies, etc. ends up in moral finger-pointing, because everyone knows better than you how to raise your child.
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