In this month's Atlantic Monthly, Lori Gottlieb writes that as a graduate student in pyschology, she learned that people end up frustrated, angry and disturbed, because their parents failed them in some way. Once she started practicing therapy, a stream of unhappy, miserable patients in their 20s and 30s sat on her sofa. Unlike the unhappy people in her textbooks, these patients actually had great parents who doted on them, gave them lots of options, and were warm and supportive. What went wrong?
Gottlieb explains that these parents were actually too good. They gave their kids too many options and protected them from failures, which made them unable to handle real disappointments that always happen in life. Because they never had to learn to overcome the disappointment of being cut from the baseball team, they didn't know how to handle the disappointment of not getting the promotion in their law firm or never finding true love.
I know parents who offer their kids ridiculous options. Instead of giving them a choice between chocolate or vanilla ice-cream, the parents give the kids power over major family decisions. Where do you want to go on vacation this year: the beach or the mountains? What should I make you for dinner: chicken or pizza?
Those rookie parents are no doubt creating spoiled children, but bad parenting isn't the source of sad adults.
I'm at that point in my life where I'm surrounded by people who have been disappointed in some way. They never had a child. They never found the right job. They live with chronic illness. Their children have ADHD, dyslexia, epilepsy, or autism. Most of my friends are confronting these demons right now and will hopefully come out the other end in a few years.
June's a tough month for me, because I have to watch other people's children perform in end-of-the-year assemblies or go through other rites of passage, which Ian doesn't get to participate in. In my more selfish moments, I feel that both of us have been cheated.
We're all struggling to deal with this disappointments, not because our parents gave us too many options. My parents wouldn't even let me choose what band instrument that I would play in school. "You have to play the flute. Bells are a stupid instrument."
I think our disappointment comes from the fact that there are a deep inequalities in life. Some get more and some get less. Yes, the world could be structured better to lessen these inequalities, but some of these disappointments are just part of life. No political and social changes can prevent a child from contracting a disability or give someone the perfect job. This is a tough pill to swallow, because we have such a limited notion of success in this country.
We're taught in school and in the media that we can have whatever we want if we dream it and if we work really hard. It's the American Dream, after all. But there are somethings that dreams and hard work won't fix.
I think that the people who can cope with disappointment are those who never bought into the standard notions of success, who have rejected the tyranny of normality, and happily live in a world without Harvard bound children and Pottery Barn sofas.
Apt. 11d 
I actually think so much about happiness has to do with whether or not you are an optimist or not.
And as you pointed out, we are fed materialism and achievement as a path to happiness constantly. My mom always says “you need to find different friends” when I get caught up in that.
LikeLike
We are fortunate enough that my kids could have whatever they want in terms of toys/gadgets/clothes. But I withhold some things deliberately so they know what it is to want something badly, the way my husband and I did when growing up. It also can be a great bargaining chip down the line when you want to majorly change a behavior in some way.
I think you’re overstating the problem with choices. The problem isn’t with what kinds of choices kids make (our kids participate in family vacation decision-making, for example); it’s just a problem when everything is a choice. Kids should learn that some things are non-negotiable, and what’s negotiable can change depending on time and place and even the parent’s mood.
LikeLike
In the end you seem to be agreeing with Gottlieb, that these young adults were not taught how to deal with disappointment as children so they’re wholly incapable of it as adults.
Our culture’s obsession with happiness is a big part of the problem. The person who is content with life is not the happier person it’s the person who knows how to deal with the lumps they’ve been handed. Life sucks sometimes (frequently) and being able to deal with those lumps is a better mark of a well-adjusted person than how outwardly happy they seem.
God how I hate the current trend of bucket lists or life lists or whatever the hell they are. As if the acquisition of things (whether physical objects or experiences) is what leads to a better (happier) life. Ever notice how these lists never include things like “be a good friend”, “caretake my parents when they’re dying”, etc.” It’s all, “learn how to fold a fitted sheet” “travel to Burkina Faso”, “eat at El Bulli”. Gretchen Rubin is a scourge.
LikeLike
The following is a quote I wrote in my diary when I was 17. It’s from my pre-college summer reading assignment; one of James Gould Cozzens’ characters, Judge Coates, is speaking:
“There’ll be deaths and disappointments and failures. When they come, you meet them. No one promises you a good time or an easy time.”
I must have repeated that quote to myself at least once a semester. It was the “No one promises you a good time or an easy time” that resonated with me. It implied that having a strong character, that meeting challenges with dignity, instead of whining, was the goal, not success or happiness. (Though in full disclosure, I still do my fair share of whining.)
I agree with the other posters that chasing happiness and success is the wrong way to go because the referents for these tend to be defined by dominant others.
Do we think that if we raise our children to be good people, to think of others, to abide by the golden rule and to try to make a positive difference in the world, to the extent that they are able, that they *won’t* be happy?
PS Laura, I was forced to play flute, too. I wanted to play guitar. So now I am forcing my daughter to take guitar lessons, though she did get a choice between that and the school-sponsored violin lessons. 🙂
LikeLike
“Kids should learn that some things are non-negotiable, and what’s negotiable can change depending on time and place and even the parent’s mood.”
That’s pretty much like saying that kids need to learn early and often that life is unfair. I believe that concept in theory, but less so in practice, especially when it’s me and not the world that’s producing the unfairness.
I think my main attempt to teach the kids that the world isn’t fair is to start getting them involved in competitions earlier, rather than later, competitions that they sometimes loose, and sometimes “unfairly” (i.e. with qualitative judgments, or in the example of drama, because they’re tall, or dark haired).
Life isn’t fair, and, what’s more, it doesn’t become more fair over time, or even out in the end. But, when life is generally good, when parents are loving and kind and take care of you, when your social circle is small enough, you can reach your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and onward without ever having suffered a serious loss or disappointment. I’m not sure imposing arbitrary minor disappointments on our kids is going to teach them the resilience to deal with the big losses in life.
LikeLike
I agree with you Laura, but also with scantee– I think if one spends time thinking about whether one is happy or not, there’s a good chance of disappointment. In the past couple of decades, a segment of the upper-middle class has constantly analyzed whether they are happy, and then assigns blame to others (particularly parents) if they are not. Let’s face it, people who can afford to see therapists to talk about whether they are happy, even though they had an ideal childhood and seemingly no other underlying issues, don’t have anything better to do with their time but wonder if they could be happier.
LikeLike
“That’s pretty much like saying that kids need to learn early and often that life is unfair. I believe that concept in theory, but less so in practice, especially when it’s me and not the world that’s producing the unfairness.”
That wasn’t what I was getting at, really. I meant it more that they have to learn that their needs aren’t always paramount. Sometimes mine are. Sometimes other people’s are.
We tend to do a lot of arguing in our family. You want to make a case for why I should change my mind, go ahead. But there are also times I shut down argument and say “Not now. I’m just not going to change my mind for X reason.” I like to think that putting up with all this arguing (always done in a whiny voice, for some reason) is going to teach my kids more flexible thinking (which both of them, the autistic one and the neurotypical one, need), but I could be overly optimistic. 🙂
LikeLike
Btw, if there’s one thing Amy Chua has accomplished, it’s making me determined to force my kids to continue music lessons. My daughter is now taking private lessons (on the flute, by coincidence!) and my son is about to switch from clarinet to saxophone. I haven’t been coercive, but I’ve been firm. I just wish I could get the elementary school principal to allow my son to play with the 5th grade band in 4th grade. 😦
LikeLike
Of course life isn’t fair, but I always taught that lesson along with the one that as Jews, we are obligated to try to make life more fair for others. That’s what free will is for: to make the world a better place.
I would be happy to tell that therapist the story of my awful parents and how that led to my adult issues, just to confirm her education.
LikeLike
“But, when life is generally good, when parents are loving and kind and take care of you, when your social circle is small enough, you can reach your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and onward without ever having suffered a serious loss or disappointment.” See, I think that is highly unlikely, both because shit happens to everyone and also because our expectations about success and happiness are ridiculous.
BTW, I made my children very unhappy this weekend, because I was sick of going to their events and activities, so I made them go with me to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met.
LikeLike
Generalities are hard here, because we all have different standards for measuring loss, disappointment, and hardship.
Take BJ’s comment: “But, when life is generally good, when parents are loving and kind and take care of you, when your social circle is small enough, you can reach your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and onward without ever having suffered a serious loss or disappointment.” Laura disagrees.
Well, if bj means the death of a grandmother, a loss of a job, or not getting into the college of one’s choosing, well, yeah, it might be an overstatement.
But if bj means not being abandoned by a parent in favor of her/his new significant other or losing a family member to a heroin addiction, then maybe significant hardships might be avoided by close and supportive family ties.
I don’t have a dog in this fight except to note that some people are much more resilient than others and will therefore conceptualize hardship and advantage differently.
Oh, and my parents made me choose the flute, too (over the trumpet). It was the right choice.
LikeLike
“I don’t have a dog in this fight except to note that some people are much more resilient than others and will therefore conceptualize hardship and advantage differently.”
This is interesting to me because Wendy Mogel (interviewed for Gottlieb’s article) is all about teaching kids to be resilient. Some need more help than others, but I do think that should be our goal, not making our kids happy. But then, I am a big fan of Mogel.
LikeLike
Taking children to dog fights is a way to teach them to be resilient.
LikeLike
“Life isn’t fair” was one of my mother’s favorite sayings when I was growing up. (That and “possession is 9/10 of the law” when my sister and I fought over clothes.) I agree with both Laura and bj. Tragedy can and does affect people no matter how well insulated they try to make themselves through money, family, or objective measures of success, and on some level it just seems to come down to luck, or fate or whatever. On the other hand, I remember my college roommate’s mother had never been to a funeral, so apparently you can reach middle age without anyone close to you dying.
LikeLike
When we would say “its not fair” my mother would say “you are right, life isn’t fair. If it was, you would have a lot less”. That always kind of stopped us in our tracks. it may not be a “fair” way to argue, but it is something to remember.
Laura, I think this is a very sensitive post. You are right: some people just have super bad luck. The interesting thing is some people handle it well, at least outwardly, or some of the time, and some don’t.
LikeLike
For the flautists (coerced and otherwise) a duet between earth and space, on the off chance that any of you missed it earlier this year.
LikeLike
How do you teach resilience? Other than showing, or trying to show, it yourself?
LikeLike
Name a boy Sue and then abandon the family?
LikeLike
“How do you teach resilience? Other than showing, or trying to show, it yourself?”
By letting them fail, then teaching them that failure is ok and survivable. That’s why bj’s idea about competition is good–most people who enter a competition lose.
I’d also say that even though in some competitions, everyone gets a trophy, I think the kids can distinguish the “real” trophies from the ones everyone gets. In dance competitions around here, everyone gets “Gold,” “Elite Gold,” or “Platinum” trophies, and everyone knows the Platinums are the ones you want.
LikeLike
Doug: move to Tbilisi. That’s how you teach resilience. I’m following your excellent example.
LikeLike
I’ve always thought travel taught resilience as a result of teaching flexibility. Whenever we travel, I’m always truck by the ways in which we tailor our world to ourselves & our children.
But, I think in the Gottlieb/Mogel context, teaching resilience means giving your children opportunities to fail, letting them fail, and to experience the consequences of their failure. Allowing failure is really tough to do, emotionally, psychologically. It’s even more difficult to do when other parents aren’t allowing it for their own children (when yours is the only one who shows up without his homework or her soccer jersey). And, it’s almost unthinkable when the consequence is seen as too dire.
LikeLike
The issue I have with the unfairness argument for why people are seriously disappointed with their lives (disappointed to the point that they think they need professional help dealing with the world — though this might not be an appropriate condition, since there are clearly those who seek professional help with their emotions as a first or second resort rather than a last) is that I certainly don’t think that unfairness has increased now as compared to years ago.
If we looked at the serious disappointments adults had to handle forty years ago, I think most of us would agree that they were more frequent (if not tougher).
I do think that one issue about disappointment is folks who are not able to reproduce the lives they grew up with (of course, in the case of children with disabilities, that might be because the children were shuffled away, thus invisible, or sequestered from their families, so that their families could be “normal”). In the case of economics, I think that there is a class of people who are not as wealthy as their parents were, and that it’s difficult to handle this downward shift.
I worry about that a lot for my kids, at least partially because I don’t want them to make all their life choices around sustaining the economics of the lifestyle we’ve fortuitously been able to provide (really, with no planning).
LikeLike
“Allowing failure is really tough to do, emotionally, psychologically. It’s even more difficult to do when other parents aren’t allowing it for their own children (when yours is the only one who shows up without his homework or her soccer jersey).”
Amen. I couldn’t agree more; at least Gottleib gives us a little stamina for the job.
I also think we teach resilience by modeling ways of coping when major and minor things go wrong. When I was having trouble with a co-worker, we brainstormed over dinner one night what I could say/do to deal with him. Now I am working on not pouting when stuck in traffic. 🙂
Like B.I., I heard “Life’s not fair”, but from my dad. My mother’s slogan was, “Life got tougher, we got stronger.” Which I think she took from an Excedrin commercial, but it was her way of indicating that some things were unfair/beyond my control, and I just had to deal with it by being the bigger person. I hated it, of course, but what kid in history has ever said, “Gee, Mom, thanks for your insightful and helpful advice; I think I’ll put it to use right away!”
LikeLike
I rolled my eyes at that article. She makes no case whatsoever that this generation is worse off than previous cohorts – only that they aren’t able to conveniently blame their parents. So she does it for them. Sweet.
As an early gen-xer, I CAN blame my issues on my parents, who were uninvolved, unsupportive, and are still a massive pain in the ass. Fortunately, I’ve figured out that it has more to do with the human condition and my own biology. And if I want to point fingers honestly, I’ll blame the quack therapists that encouraged me to blame my parents instead of coughing up the SSRIs I needed at age 18.
Kids today are much better off. They know they are loved, they know they matter. Now they just have to figure out how to translate that to a meaningful adult life. I have all the confidence they – most of them anyway – will get there intact.
LikeLike
Speaking of resilience, another of my mother’s favorite sayings was “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” As an adult, I realized that was a quote by Nietszche, which in retrospect explains a lot about my upbringing. Other favorite lines were, “I’m giving you something for you to talk about with your therapist with” or “this is good material for your memoirs.” She was clearly being very thoughtful, since for at least 2 generations upper-middle class has made a living off of producing works of art analyzing one’s crappy upbringing. If that’s not possible, a major creative outlet for Young People These Days has been cut off.
LikeLike