Yesterday, a text message was mistakenly sent to me by a neighbor griping about how I was home at lunch, while she had to work. (Watch that "reply all," people!) A few months ago, I heard that other moms were sneering at my academic job; I guess I shouldn't have graded blue books on the sidelines of soccer games.
All the gossip is partially a feature of suburban life. It's remarkable how closely a suburban town replicates the cliques of a high school cafeteria with the jocks at one table and the prom queens at another.
It's also remarkable that the gossip is primarily about my employment. One group is annoyed if I'm employed, and another group is annoyed if I'm not. Does this happen to men, too?
Apt. 11d 
I don’t even know what most of my neighbors’ employment status is nor do I care that much. I used to see women off on their morning walk as I was driving in to work and I’d feel a twinge of jealousy, sure, but I don’t knock them for having that opportunity. Also, we have enough people that work shift work, primarily in the health care sector, that it could be they work later hours than me. Who knows.
I don’t think it happens to men that much, but I don’t know. I also see plenty of men kicking off early to play golf. My walk takes me by two golf courses and there are plenty of men there on nice days. No one knocks them for taking a day or a few hours off.
And in the high school scheme of our neighborhood, as in my actual high school days, I’m the nerd, a good looking nerd these days, but a nerd nonetheless.
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No it does not happen to men or at least as far as I have noticed. Granted I have no idea what other people in my apartment complex are saying about me, particularly if they are speaking in Kyrgyz. Maybe I can have my fiancee go find out and translate the gossip into Russian for me. Right now I am more interested in if the Turkmen government has anything on me in its files. A part of me will be really dissapointed if I had no role what so ever in the Turkmen government’s decision to ban students from AUCA because it is corrupting their minds. Kyrgystan has clans not cliques.
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Laura, do you think this kind of gossip exists in the city as well? In my neighborhood in Chicago we all know each other well, yet I don’t hear this kind of sniping.
Two possibilities:
a) There’s a lot more heterogeneity of lifesytle, however, which limits the judgment side of the gossip.
b) I’m just totally clueless and everyone is actually talking about *me*
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Holy crap. Like GeekyLaura, I don’t have a clue or care about what my neighbors’ work status is. The ones I do know about because they’re friends are people like cops, an airline pilot, a nurse, home businesses, teachers, landscapers.
That said, I’ve been very anxious about what people think about my 10 year old walking the dog twice a day. I’ve made her tell the others in the dog-walking community that I have a broken ankle so I don’t get a rep as a slacker mom.
Two more days till I get the cast off! I hope I get the ok to walk!
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I don’t think anybody gossips about my employment status behind my back. Of course, when I was unemployed and my wife pregnant, lots of people were expressing support and whatnot.
The best way to shift the gossip to another topic is to carry a small flask to every soccer game and make clumsy attempts to hide sips.
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We have 4 couples we are friends with where one spouse stays at home with the kids. 2 are women, 2 are men. I’ve noticed that our female friends are much more jealous of the women who get to stay at home than the guys are of the men. The guys actually kind of feel sorry for the stay-at-home dads. We kind of like going to work every day and the thought of staying at home all day doing laundry, chasing kids and praying they will take a long nap sounds terrible to most of us.
I’ve also noticed that the stay-at-home dads seem to need a lot more validation that they are actually doing work than the women do. One of the guys has a wife who is a pediatrician. He had the nerve to complain to me that she never says, “Good job,” when she comes home and all the laundry is done or dinner is ready. I asked him if he ever tells her, “Good job,” because she treated 4 cases of the flu and a gave a few physicals that day. His reply was no. He still didn’t seem to understand the hypocrisy there.
What I think this highlights is that even as increasing numbers of men take on traditionally female roles, even they themselves believe they are doing something outside the norm. The women I see doing this don’t seem to have that need. Maybe it’s just a lack of ego.
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Have you replied to the text message? I’m contrary enough that I would.
A good way to remove oneself from the gossip rings is not to gossip. They operate on a give one-get one mechanism. I’ve found the women who thrive on mean-spirited gossip to be, um, mean-spirited, small-minded, and not worth my time.
Envy drives most gossip. So, it’s a sin. It also leads people to pre-judge others, and deprives them of the great experience of getting to know someone.
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On the other hand, there is lots of talk on the block about employment. I wouldn’t call it gossip, so much as commiseration/nerves. Three people on my block have been through a lay-off recently, which, given that half the neighbors are retired, seems a bit high.
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I am so sorry to hear that. Wow. I live in suburban Toronto and no, I never have seen that kind of thing. It’s not part of my microculture as far as I know. This may be ’cause we’re not to school age yet.
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Laura, if the neighbor does this at work too, maybe you guys can do lunch together at home someday soon? I haven’t seen anything like that around here, although I recall some cattiness at preschool co-op back in DC. Here in our faculty/staff neighborhood in Texas, the communication style is interestingly oblique. Well-bred (mostly) Southern women do not just come out and say stuff.
“That said, I’ve been very anxious about what people think about my 10 year old walking the dog twice a day.”
There’s a 10-year-old (oldest of 4 kids) on our block who does a lot of the walking of the family puppy. She’s currently figuring out how to walk the dog while biking.
“He had the nerve to complain to me that she never says, “Good job,” when she comes home and all the laundry is done or dinner is ready. I asked him if he ever tells her, “Good job,” because she treated 4 cases of the flu and a gave a few physicals that day. His reply was no.”
Some of the guys seem to have a hard time figuring this stuff out, that you don’t get a cookie for basic household management, especially if you’re not handing them out for your spouse’s contributions.
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Speaking of doctors, I just found a Canadian article from 2006 about doctors and diverse. Doctors in general do not have a high divorce rate and dual doctor couples have an amazingly small divorce rate (11%!), but female doctors have a relatively higher divorce rate, and female doctor/SAHD marriages can be problematic.
http://www.nationalreviewofmedicine.com/issue/2006/03_15/3_physicians_life02_05.html
“Dr Sotile says easily the most angry and disgruntled group he’s encountered is young men married to physicians. “This was a real surprise to us,” he says. “We’re still dealing with old horrid wiring about sex roles.” The message he hears over and over from these young men is “if my masculinity’s not being honoured, I get angry.””
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I want a cookie for doing laundry! Seriously, I don’t get paid for what I do at home and what I’m doing doesn’t just benefit me, it benefits the whole family, so a little thank you once in a while is a nice thing. My husband gets paid for his work and gets recognition in all kinds of ways that unpaid work never does. That said, I don’t really expect anything unless I go above and beyond, like making homemade cookies or pie or something.
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Early on in our relationship, my husband made it very clear that “thank you” would be frequently used in our house and that I was expected to participate in the expressions of gratitude. 🙂 I’m not as good as remembering to do it as he is. I often get “Thank you for making dinner.” Sometimes I’d prefer people showing up at the dinner table within 5 minutes of my calling that dinner is ready, but if they want cold congealed pasta, that’s their business.
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I have to admit one of the hardest things I’m finding about working at home right now is the lack of appreciation. After I taught a good class, I knew that I had done a good job. I had a loud classroom discussion and even thanks after class. I would get great student evals at the end of the semester. I got a paycheck. It’s totally ridiculous, but I went into a tailspin of despair last Saturday, because I spent two hours making a meatloaf, which only Steve ate. The other two made retching sounds.
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I’m finding about working at home right now is the lack of appreciation.
If you had my career, at least you’d have the comfort of knowing you weren’t appreciated at work.
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Serpent’s teeth, Laura.
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I don’t really know what most of my neighbours do for work, actually. When we get together, we mostly don’t talk about stuff like that. Also, living in this town, there are lots of shift workers, so nobody’s too resentful when I’m walking the dogs on my occasional morning when teaching starts late.
It is funny that some people will assume that a man’s being at home during the day is a crisis (laid-off, sick, or caretaking) but a woman at home is just living the high life.
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I asked him if he ever tells her, “Good job,” because she treated 4 cases of the flu and a gave a few physicals that day. His reply was no. He still didn’t seem to understand the hypocrisy there
This seems a bit unfair to me. My wife goes into the office three days a week, and when she does a good job there she gets lots of validation, just like I do five days a week at my own office.
But the two days that she stays home with the little one? Unless I say thanks for doing the shopping or “well done” (we live in the UK, so “good job” isn’t cricket), she gets no external validation. I think I should give her a verbal cookie (erm, biscuit) for doing the laundry etc. And I definitely don’t need her to big me up for doing a good job at the office – others do that.
As for the suburban gossip phenomenon, I second the theory that reduced heterogeneity encourages people to over-concentrate on percieved differences.
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