Midweek Journal

I just tucked Ian into bed with all its necessary rituals and traditions. Bath, book, bed, momma-talk. For a while, he wanted a cup of water and ice in bed with him, but I think we’re done with that one. Good. I can finally get rid of the last sippy cup from the cupboard.

Momma-talk is when he’s all tucked in and the lights are out, I sit next to him and talk about everything that happened that. Tonight I said, "You had a whole bunch of fish for dinner tonight. You played with your toys in the bathtub. We read the Ratatouille book. You went to the gym with mommy. Mommy let you play with the DS. We went food shopping. Megan and Erin and Grandma came over." Then he added, "I scream reeeal loud. Run and hide."

When my nieces and mother rang the bell this afternoon, he slammed the door in their face and called them a monster. When I let them in, he screamed at the top of his lungs and hid in the basement. I am in the midst of writing a paper and badly needed some alone time in front of my computer. My mom came by to help me out for a couple of hours. When I drove off to the library with my laptop resting in the passenger seat, he sobbed, "I scream never again. I go to library, too.
>Ian has been on and off for the past week or two. At times, he’s
been almost chatty. He was great on our vacation. And other times, he’s
been on edge screaming at the least infractions. If Jonah trips over
one of the many trains carefully arranged on the tracks, he screams. If
I turn off the TV, he screams. I’ve taken to marking Xs on a chart on
the fridge again and giving timeouts on the stairs. I suppose he’s
worried about starting a new school.

In two weeks, Ian starts
kindergarten. He’ll be in a special classroom within a regular school.
I’m still not sure that I’ve done the right thing by letting the
district put him in this classroom. I am mainstream hardliner. I don’t
believe in segregating kids. And their program seems a little bootcampy
for me with charts for progress and no recess. However, this program
comes highly recommended. It is well funded. They say that they are
committed to mainstreaming him for the academic subjects. They say
that they are experienced with smart kids with disabilities. We’ll see
how it goes. It’s certainly going to make my life easier to not train a
regular education teacher. But then I feel guilty for thinking that.

Ian
is not the only one on the verge of a major transition. I am, too. In
two weeks, both of my kids will be in school full time. For the first
time in seven and a half years, I will go for big chunks of the day
without a kid in tow. I’ll be teaching two classes with one new prep,
so most of that time will be spent in my windowless office at school,
but there will also be some free time. I will be able to finish my work
during the week, so weekend will be free. Ian will have all his therapy
at school, so I won’t have to drive him around. I’ve been fantasizing
about how I’ll use that time.