Sunday morning, after finishing off some lovely bacon and eggs, the boys came into the room with their presents for me. Chocolates from Steve. Dark and tasty. Ian handed me his present, which he made in school. A planter encrusted in plastic beads and glitter in a self-decorated paper bag. From Jonah came a tissue-wrapped package, a book of poems written by Mrs. L’s first graders.
Each child wrote some descriptive words about their mother and one activity that they did together. After hugging my child thoroughly for writing the best poem in the book, I had to check out what the other kids said about their mothers.
Almost all the mothers were described as “pretty” or “kind” or “nice.” But Thuggish Boy said that he mother was “big.” Uh, dude. Never tell a woman that she’s “big”. We accept “tall,” “statuesque,” or “regal.” “Large-boned” is also a no-no.
The kids described activities that their mothers performed. The most popular answers were “caring,” “cleaning,” and “driving.” Mr. Popular said that his mother enjoys “sleeping.” Now, we all know that she’s “lazy-mom.” The Wonder Twin-Girl said that her mother “makes me money.” This must have been a subject of a heart-to-heart one night. Wonder Twin-Girl saved her ass, by saying that her mom “makes me laugh” — the only kid to point out that her mom might have a sense of humor. Fresh Mouthed Girl gave the popular “cleaning” description, but added “washing” as well. Now, I know who is “OCD-Mom.”
My son wrote: L.M.N. Smart Cute. [I often remind him how lucky he is to have such a smart and cute mother. Don’t be afraid of a little self-promotion, people.] Loving Teaching Shopping. [Notice no “cleaning” going on here.] We ice skate together. [I guess he must have had fun that time, too.] Laura McK___ Naft____ [I was the only mother to be given a last name in these poems. Do you ever wonder whether your politics are screwing with your kid’s head?]”
I’m really glad that he didn’t write: “L.M.N. Distracted Wrinkled. Blogging Yelling Drinking. We watch the horse races together. Mom.” Yeah, that wouldn’t look good.
Then Steve gave me the second part of my gift, which was some time alone. He took the kids to throw rocks in the Hudson for the afternoon. I milled around aimlessly. Organized my desk a bit. Bought some tomato plants at the local garden shop. Picked up beer for the party at my mom’s. I even wasted time playing Solitaire. But I didn’t enjoy it as much as I would have thought. I didn’t finish the paper or start that Zadie Smith book. It was too quiet.
I should have gone to throw rocks, too.
Apt. 11d 