Grad School Barbie

~ Laura

This one is making the rounds. (Thanks, Toni.)

GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM)

Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles! Delusional Master’s Barbie ™
and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie ™. Every Graduate School Barbie comes with
these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

* Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that
turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever
comes first).

* Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!

* Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt, and
a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching “Go Screw Yourself”
T-shirt!

* Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear
her say such upbeat grad school phrases as, “Yes, Professor, It’ll be done
by tomorrow” “I’d love to write it all over again” “Why didn’t I just get a
job, I could have been making $50,000 a year by now if I had just started
working with a Bachelor’s degree. But noooooo.” and “I wish somebody would
drop a bomb on the school so that I’d have an excuse to stop working on this
degree that’s sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and
degraded excuse for a soul…” (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)

* Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct! Experience the exciting
changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels on
Barbie’s head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a
crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining
gradually dissolve into nothing!

Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add
water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears! Fun for the whole
family!

Other accessories include:

* Grad School Barbie’s Fun Fridge ™. Well stocked with microwave popcorn,
Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and small bottle of
Mattel Brand Rum ™.

* Grad School Barbie’s Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous Pink and contains
Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of
three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available
without
a prescription).

* Grad School Barbie’s Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete
PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew
cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit not included in
price, tech support sold separately. Miniature cigarette butts and Oreo
packages also available)

And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you’ll get two of
Barbie’s great friends!

GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie’s mentor and advisor in her quest for
increased
education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken ™ comes with a
supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad
Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom as: “I need an update on your progress” “I
don’t think you’ll be ready to graduate this spring” and “This is nowhere
near ready for publication.”

REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always
count on her good friend Real Job Skipper ™, who got a job after getting
her bachelor’s degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say:
“Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree” and “Work is so hard! I had
to work a half an hour of overtime!” Real Job Skipper’s Work Wardrobe,
Savings Account, and New Car sold separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad
Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have
been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back
to find Barbie’s hands mysteriously fused to Skipper’s throat.)

Published by Laura

12 thoughts on “Grad School Barbie”

  1. * Grad School Barbie comes with a 35-40 lb. weight gain for an MA (more for a PHD!) Barbie doesn’t notice this until she leaves grad school, because she never goes clothes shopping.
    * Warning about Skipper and Barbie doubly true for Barbie and Ken, especially when Ken mentions European travel, leisure activities, or something he saw on TV. Barbie has not watched TV since she started her grad work, and she stopped reading the newspaper after a fellow grad student told her to stop wasting time.

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  2. What about when Barbie is in adjunct hell?
    Call her… Professor Nobody Barbie… 40 or 50 years old, still doing the temporary academic gig, even though it’s not “really” temporary, since the department rehires you consistently, albeit sometimes as late as two weeks before the term begins…. teaching multiple courses on the same day… paid a fraction of what her full-time colleagues are paid (and scorned by them as a leper to boot)…

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  3. Amy P.: I call my Ph.D. weight “Fred.”
    And I still have “Fred” with me, even now that I have tenure. (Of course, “Fred” has been joined by “Ollie,” the tenure-stress weight gain)
    There should also be “TA Hell Barbie” option, where the “friends” are in the form of co-dependent undergrad students who call her up at 2 am to ask her if she has their papers graded yet, or to burst into tears over their receiving a “B”
    And “TA Hell Barbie” would come with accessories too:
    the “TA Hell Barbie” microscopic paycheck
    The “TA Hell Barbie” ramen noodles
    the “TA Hell Barbie” giant stack-o-papers-to-grade
    and, of course, the two extra years to her degree because of the time spent being TA Hell Barbie….

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  5. Sounds like “Whiney Barbie” to me. If you don’t like it get out of it and go do something else, make a decision and quit complaining!

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  10. As for the person who said “Whiney Barbie,” CLEARLY he/she’s not in graduate school and doesn’t understand the rigors of graduate school. This barbie is hilarious and those of us who are in grad school can relate! Hang in there!

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  11. Hilarious! Shamefully- I am a TA while persuing my MS. I have the pink laptop, am addicted to mountain dew and oreos and I smoke. This cerainly hit close to home. Made my day though.

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