I’m talking poop and politics again. And again, I have to warn non-parents to shield their delicate eyes.
For the past two days, everybody has been talking about the latest trend — potty training babies.
Surprisingly, this movement comes from the attachment parenting types. You would think that the sling wearing, co-sleeping set would be all about Freud and not pressuring the young dears before they’re ready. But we’re in a post-Freud world and only they would have the patience for potty training before the first birthday. In order to potty train your babes, you must be really in touch with them. You have to know that when their face turns red, you must drop everything and run to the bathroom. Turn your back for a second to check your blog statistics at your own risk. No daycare worker would dream of engaging in this high maintenance parenting.
The attachment set probably also likes the non-Western philosophy and its benefits for the environment.
I just like the idea of babies running around with free tushies.
I find the clash of the parenting movements fascinating. On the one hand, there is the high maintenance, attachment parenting movement that requires 24 hour attention from a full time, stay at home parent. On the other is reality — 50% of women with babies work full time outside of the home. There is a major disconnect between reality and these parenting trends.
Apt. 11d 
Laura–have you seen this essay, about 100% parenting? You would have good comments on it!
http://jenellparis.blogspot.com/2005/10/paris-project-column-in-this-months.html
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The annoying thing about it is that each side seems to think that they have the One True Way to parent, and anyone who does something different is raising twisted, unhappy children.
One of the more interesting comments on this whole subject that I’ve read (don’t remember where, sadly) came from someone who asked a Chinese friend about early potty training in China. He admitted that it was common, but usually performed by grandmothers, because only they have the time to devote to this kind of intensive activity, holding the baby over the toilet for extended periods of time until poop or pee happens.
I know a couple of people who have tried this, including one for whom it has worked. In our society, where we don’t have large, live-in extended families, only a very dedicated SAHM could possibly accomplish this.
My feeling: if you have the time and want to try it, more power to you. But don’t look down on anyone for whom this isn’t an option or for whom it just doesn’t work. So much of this stuff is just a way to make women feel bad about themselves.
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I’m a sling wearing, co-sleeping mom, but I consider myself more of a centrist parent. I totally agree that the issue is with the judgmental slant certain parents on both sides take.
I think the concept itself is fine, it would be fantastic to have the kids out of diapers sooner. However, this concept is very old, and probably began way back when there were tribes raising the children (or as Mrs. Coulter suggested, extended family). I think its pretty ridiculous to attempt nowadays, but if someone has the time, YOU GO GIRL.
The thing is, I am a SAHM, so I am probably in the demographic of the people more likely to try it. However, I don’t want to because I just don’t feel like it. I guess I’m lazy, but I don’t want to be running around with a tupperware bowl catching poop and pee while we are at Target. Gross.
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Hmmm… so we can’t be attachment parents if we aren’t involved 24/7? I don’t think so. I think that if you make arbitrary lines in the proverbial sand like that, it’s easy to make “the other side” seem daft, but I can tell you that we’re attachment parents, we cosleep with our baby, we use slings, my wife has extended breastfed all three of our children, we don’t hit our kids, and y’know what? We have babysitters and friends who help out, our kids go to school / playgroup and we have a life away from the little folk too.
I wonder if perhaps you’re just echoing some sort of working mother angst about mothers who don’t work and don’t have their children in childcare? I dunno. I think that’s extreme too: it’s a continuum and we’re all parents somewhere along it.
If you’d like to learn a bit more about the reality of attachment parenting, at least our version of it, as opposed to what the non-parent theorists extoll, I invite you to check out our attachment parenting blog at http://www.APparenting.com/
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New Arena for Competitive Parenting
I first heard about elimination communication in Indonesia a number of years ago. It made sense to me for the village lifestyle–the Indonesian village women were wearing their babies 24/7, and you can tell when a baby is going to
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One way of bridging the disconnect between attachment parenting and working moms is to have dad be the stay-at-home parent. Men can be primary caretakers just as well as women, vis-a-vis http://www.rebeldad.com.
We are also a co-sleeping, sling-wearing family and we attempted EC but ended up letting it slide since we weren’t paying the requisite amount of attention to signals and didn’t want to suffer the consequences. We decided other things were more important to us, but still think it’s cool that people try to be that in tune with their children.
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I think it’s cool that people are so tuned with their kids, too. I also think that sling wearing, co-sleeping and the Sears are cool. I really wasn’t trying to be judgy about attachment parenting. I was just pointing out its methods, particularly early potty training, requires a super-human amount of attention that even I as a SAHM could never muster.
The point of the post is that there are really two dominant beliefs about child rearing that are coexisting right now. One school of thought is more time consuming and more concerned with the parental-child bond. The other rejects the notion that parents should be the primary care givers and embraced the belief that children are very resilient.
I’m not saying who’s right and who’s wrong. Just pointing out the contradictory schools.
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Of course, thinking that children are resilient makes it okay to be an attachment parent, too.
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This is one of those it-takes-a-village things…or rather, it takes a team of nannies…or a parent with no other life.
Of course, in an actual village, you could probably let your kid have accidents out in the dirt or the forest, and no one would care. Not really an option for those without yards.
I do like the idea of not using disposable diapers–I feel guilty that our kid has to use them (for various reasons). But quitting my job to watch for his poop signals isn’t really an option.
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I really think that the statistic that 50% of mothers of infants leave for work each day is a media fallacy. 50% of mothers of infants may be in the workforce, but that can mean they work as little as an hour a week or a week year. See more here http://www.familyandhome.org/policy/pub_stats.htm.
EC is interesting. I’ve done some with my 3rd, but he’s “taking a break.” But when he does it it’s terrific for everyone. And I hope he trains a little early (he’s 18 months now). I have lots of ideas about how to approach potty training and how parents approaches are shaped, but who’d want to hear them?!
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I find the clash of the parenting movements fascinating.
In theory, yes. In practice, no. As Mrs. Coulter, I find that complete strangers are more than happy to weigh in about how poorly you’re parenting. It’s as if their only sense of justification in what they’re doing comes from running down others. Bah!
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I agree with one writer’s comments about competetive parenting. I am a live and let live kind of girl. So when my daughter came into our lives in June, I was hurt by those who thought that they could do it better.
My granola crunching girlfriend was agast that I was not co-sleeping, not using even a bassinett. Nope. I couldn’t get any sleep with her squirming around, farting, and snoring next to me.
I must admit that many of my friends were equally shocked that I turned to formula supplements for what I lacked in breast milk. You know what though, she has slept through the night since she was 6 weeks.
You know, you do what works. I find that my time and sleep is too precious to waste on running to the bathroom every time she grunts, or breastfeeding until we are both crying.
I’m obviously not the attatchment parenting type. But if that’s your thing, cool. Just don’t give me the you-don’t-love-yours-as-much-as-I-love-mine look when I’m at the park with a stroller, extra diapers, and a big ol’ bottle.
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I like this Chinese method about early potty training.It is true that we do not have enough free time lately.
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