Last week, I wrote a post that got a lot of attention. I was interested in a book that discussed the long term affects of divorce. The fact that divorce has long term affects on children did not seem that controversial or surprising to me. I was just curious to see what particular bits of information the researchers had pulled up on this topic.
Then the comments happened. I was very saddened to read about how many people’s lives have been damaged by being in bad relationships or having parents with bad relationships.
I understand that many people were upset with the directions that the comments led — people should stay in bad relationships for the sake of the kids. No one likes to use the “should” word.
But I think that it’s fair to point out that some choices that are very good for the parent are bad for the kid. And some choices that are good for the kid are bad for the parent.
Others believe that everything about raising kids is beneficial for the parent. Kids make them better people. Harry has written some good things along those lines.
While I’m with Harry on some days, I’ve had a tough day. Ian had four accidents (after two weeks dry), Jonah’s neighborhood buddies stepped on the wet paint on the porch, the cat escaped, and I’ve been going since 6am without a break. Good for them that I’m home, but I could have been in a pee-pee free environment where they called me professor and where I surfed on the computer and called it work. I don’t feel like a better human being after my day of child rearing. I can’t say that changing wet underwear over and over was fun.
Elizabeth and Sandra Tsing Loh (full article at this link) have read Unraveled : The True Story of a Woman Who Dared to Become a Different Kind of Mother
I’m far from an ideal mother. The kids drove me to pop open a bottle of wine at 5 today. I have no clue where to draw the line between their happiness and mine. Sometimes it feels like a tug of war. Their needs and mine. Other times, we’re all having fun marching through the nature preserve together on a cool summer morning, and I’m sure as hell not complaining about missing out on grading midterms. It’s just that the planets don’t always align that neatly. Sometimes there’s a tradeoff. Should the boheme mother leave her kids, run off to be an artist, and become self-actualized or does she stay in a traditional relationship changing diapers, because it is good for the kids?
It is a myth, you know, that whatever makes the parent happy, makes the kids happy.
Apt. 11d 
Trade Offs
Yep. That’s why they call it a “responsibility”, instead of “vacation”
Yet at the end of the worst of days, we want to do it all again
Trade Offs
I understand that many people were upset with the directions that…
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You may not feel like a human being, but you sure write like one. And I don’t know who really thinks that the parents’ and childrens’ interests are somehow magically aligned. They aren’t. Parenting is sacrificing, good parenting is sacrificing even more. Easy for me to say, though, from my pee-pee free environment.
I could regale you with stories of the crap that weighs one down in the Ivory Tower. But then again, it’s always been clear that the stakes are low in this lofty place. They aren’t at yours. Thanks for your life-affirming entry.
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I think that more of an issue is an understand that our choices impact our kids in ways we might not like. So if a parent divorces, that’s going to have an impact and that impact will be long-term. Is it better to stay together? Get divorced? More of an issue, I think, is recognizing the impact of your choices and then addressing them. If you stay in a bad marriage then you need to allow yourself to understand how all of that — the modeling of a bad marriage, the unhappiness of the parents — will touch your child. If you leave a bad marriage then you need to allow yourself to understand how all of that will touch your child. I think it’s not so much a particular choice as how we live with that choice as a parent. It’s like the big primal wound adoption debate. To me, acknowledging that Madison will be impacted by her adoption is a no-brainer. The hard part is understanding how to deal with it. Whether or not it hurts me to recognize that adoption can cause harm isn’t as important as dealing with the impact that her adoption may have on her.
It’s easy to be blind as a parent. It’s easy to say, “Oh, she’s fine. She’s dealing with it all just dandy. She doesn’t miss her dad, she loves my new boyfriend, it’s all great and I’m so happy that it’s really better for us.” And the truth is that better can still bring hurts whether we like it or not.
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What I didn’t find in all those prescriptions and judgments was any acknowledgement of the individuality of the children. Some kids might handle divorce just fine (I don’t remember ever questioning my parent’s divorce–they separated when I was 5. Nor do I think it negatively affected my ability to form bonds or choose marriage and children.). Just like some kids handle being an Army kid, with the associated moves and change, just fine. Kids aren’t fungible, they need different things.
And as a parent, I’m not fungible either. I would never be able to meet all my kids’ needs; I’m only human, I’m flawed even when I’m at my best, and I cannot be all things to *anyone*, not even my kids. My parenting was shaped by the things I enjoy and am good at; I managed to be good enough at most of the other stuff, but I also gave my kids lots of adults in their community to be alternate role models. (After all, what if theyd didn’t want to grow up to be just like me?)
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The problem with so many trade-offs is that you rarely see clearly what it is you’re trading. So we fall back on myths, as you say Laura: whatever the trade-off we make between family and work (or vice versa), we tell ourselves that our happiness will eventually spread to and cover everyone or everything we’ve given up or left behind; and if we’re not happy or fulfilled, we say it would have been even worse otherwise.
One of these days, maybe, they’ll be some great revelation of technological break-through that’ll make it all clear. Until then, we have to take a guess at which myths to believe. Some of those myths are backed up by generations of hard-won experience and a faith in something larger than ourselves; others are cobbled together about the effluvia of our present-day culture, which seems to me to be the case in Maria Housden’s odd and (to me) weirdly depressing story. Take your chances, I guess. But I’ll trust the older myths–the ones that say that parenting is equal parts duty and joy, and don’t say anything about fulfillment, and don’t deny that even doing the “right thing” can hurt in the long run–more often than not. With any luck, the experiences of the last 30 years or so are teaching a lot of other people the same.
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Happiness and parenting
A couple of months ago, I wrote about Stephanie Coontz’s book, Marriage. Coontz argues that the transformation of marriage from an institution about controlling property, making alliances between families, and ensuring legitimate heirs into an emotiona…
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“kids drove me to pop open a bottle of wine at 5 today”
It was 5 in the afternoon? Just the one bottle? That’s OK. That’s pretty good.
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I agree with Dave that *one* bottle isn’t so bad.
Great post — I came over from Half Changed World, and I forgot already how I got to her site, oops. My daughter is 11 months old now, and I just went through an exercise of this sort this week. As a single mom, I MUST work, but to date, I’ve been very lucky/blessed to have work to do for my father’s consulting company. The work sucks — bores me to tears, actually — but being home with my daughter has been worth it. The money, while not horrible, isn’t great…and I’d like to make more.
This week, though, I had a first, then second interview for a position that would have me working outside the home — for much more money. As it worked out, I didn’t get the job (and was honestly relieved), but the thought process of what it will take if I work away from Maya…ouch. Yes, I’d be around other adults. There was a time that I’d have DIED for that. But now…not so much. I adore raising my daughter, so now I’m looking for ways to continue to work from home, but make more than I do currently.
SIGH.
The point of all of that is to say that I feel what you’re saying, and while I don’t have answers, you’re asking all the right questions. For me, that’s enough for now.
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distracted prof – I would love to hear those stories from the Ivory Tower. Got to get yourself a blog. Thanks for the kind words.
dawn – “It’s easy to be blind as a parent. It’s easy to say, “Oh, she’s fine. She’s dealing with it all just dandy. She doesn’t miss her dad, she loves my new boyfriend, it’s all great and I’m so happy that it’s really better for us.” And the truth is that better can still bring hurts whether we like it or not.” — that was really good
And Russell, too. Wow. Very touching. Loved this.. “The problem with so many trade-offs is that you rarely see clearly what it is you’re trading. So we fall back on myths…”
Kai – I do think that each kid/parent is unique. And there are plenty of instances where there are no tradeoffs. What makes the kid happy, makes the parents happy. You and your family have worked things out, which is great. It just doesn’t work out that neatly all the time, and I just felt that point was worth saying.
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It is a myth, you know, that whatever makes the parent happy, makes the kids happy.
A myth, maybe, but our myths reveal truths, and serve as lessons. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, our myth that ‘happy parents make happy children’ is a reminder not to sacrifice too much blood to the alter of parenthood, lest your own unhappiness bleed into the lives of your children. In our present day culture that demands so much of mothers, that judges their behavior and sacrifice so harshly, we probably need a myth to remind women that the conditions that destroy the happiness of a parent can also destroy children; that unhappy parents interact poorly with their children; that we need to hang on to ourselves at least a little.
Mothers and martyrs are not quite the same things, one hopes, after all.
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