Fed, dressed, and packed up the children for school. During my two hour break from kids, I fit in a work meeting where we packed in three hours of conversation by talking real fast.
At 11:30, I had a 45 minute meeting with Ian’s teacher and therapist who showed me some new techniques and crowed about how quickly he’s catching on.
As we walked into the house and I removed Ian’s shoes, the phone rang. It was the school secretary. During gym class, Jonah had kicked a ball so hard that his shoe fell up and onto the roof of the school. He needed a new pair of shoes pronto.
Jonah only has one pair of shoes in his size 13, so I dug around in his closet for an old pair that fit close enough, a pair of 12-1/2 sandles, and jumped in the car with Ian. Since he hadn’t had lunch yet, I thrust a sippy cup of juice and bowl of peanuts onto his lap.
On the way to Jonah’s school, Ian began to screech in pain. I pulled over immediately and he managed to tell me in sign language that he had inserted a peanut into his nose.
With Jonah’s shoes on my lap, we raced up Hillsdale Avenue and into the principal’s office where Jonah sat with a glum look on his face. I guess he was worried that I was going to yell. No time for reassurances. Ian’s nose was trying to expunge the peanut from his left nostril with a hundred small sneezes. Here, Jonah. Got to go. Your brother has a peanut up his nose.
We drove straight to the doctor’s office, where I quickly explained the situation, and he was rushed into an examination room where two nurses held him down and the doctor pulled out the peanut with one swift movement with a long necked tweaser. A red lollipop and all was well.
At dinner, Jonah said, I can’t believe that Ian did that.
Well honey, at the same age, you were rushed to the doctor because you had put a Kix brand cereal up your nose.
Rocket scientists.
Apt. 11d 
Been there, done that. Except that, in my case, it was a dried garbanzo bean inserted in nose while I was at a dinner party with *important senior tenured colleague.” After a midnight dash to the emergency room (garbanzo bean was beginning to enlarge due to nasal moisture) all was well.
But to this day, senior colleague enquires whether I have had any other close encounters with garbanzo beans.
Sigh.
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Yup. I also did the nut up the nose thing when I was a kid.
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Why couldn’t the school get the shoe back off the roof?
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My oldest put one of those black and white eyes that you glue on to their artwork up her nose. I couldn’t reach it with a tweezer so I gave her a bottle of pepper to snif. A couple of good sneezes put the eye within my tweezers grasp. But at least there was room around it for air, not like a peanut or a garbanzo bean!
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Dr. Funk asks my question: the school couldn’t retrieve his shoe? Was this some sort of disciplinary measure (“Learn to tie your laces tighter next time, kid!”), or we they actually unable to get it? What, they have no ladders? The union-approved roof inspector was off that day? Perhaps all access points to the roof had been welded shut in order to prevent vandalism? How weird.
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They said that their janitor was busy, because it was lunch hour, but I didn’t really even think to press them on it. What would they have done if I was working or not at home at the time?
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THAT was an exciting day.
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Speaking of Things That Fit Up Your Nose…
Remember Veda sticking the frozen pea up her nose? Seems Laura at 11D went through the same thing on Friday, only the obstruction in question was a peanut. Gosh, I feel like I’m a member of some sort of parental brotherhood now….
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My little brother placed at least three different kinds of legumes up his nose as a child, and, best of all – a small screw in his ear. A screw! That was a fun one.
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My cousin once wadded up kleenex tissue into tiny balls and stuck about 10 of them into his nose. My mother had to drive him to the doctor’s with a carload of kids cackling at ‘Kleenex’.
Wow, that kick must have been some powerful Shaolin Soccer type of kick. Will you ever get his shoe back or will it remain there for years to come until it falls down and bonks some kid in the head?
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