Next door lives Dylan. Also known as Dylanthatlittleshit.

Dylan is a classic abuser. He’s nice to Jonah for a week or two. The boys will race around the yard whooping and trading jokes about poop. They’ll dig up holes in my backyard and other anarchical activities. When Dylan is nice to him, Jonah is in hog heaven, because Dylan is older and older kids are always a plus and because there are unlimited video games and TV in Dylan’s basement.

But after a week or two of the happy whooping, Dylan will suddenly turn on Jonah and scowl “you’re not my friend” or “you can never come to my house for a playdate.” Oh, the heartbreak.

Then Dylan will win him back a day later with a bag of candy, and the cycle will begin again.

Yeah, Dylanthatlittleshit, I’m on to you. I would like to drop kick your mother for not telling you to be nice. (Why is that so hard, parents?) Instead I’m teaching Jonah the Rules. Pretty much the Rules are the same for dating as they are for dealing with mean kids.

1. Never let the other guy know that you want to play with him.
2. If he’s mean to you, play it cool for a while. Don’t talk to him or sit next to him. Don’t forgive easily.
3. If you want something from him, never, never ask.
4. Have a lot of fun with some other kid while he’s watching.
5. Never cry in front of him. Save it up for mom who’s waiting for you at home with hugs and cookies.

My parents never told me this kind of stuff. They were all like turn the other cheek. Look for the good in people. Sticks and stones crap.

If some kid is mean to my kid, I’m teaching him how to give it back. If someone hits my kid, I’m going to tell Jonah to go medievel on the kid’s ass regardless of school regulations.

With a heavy heart, I’m teaching my kid that there are some kids who are nice. And there others whose heart is black as sin and whose soul is rotten with jealousy and fear. There are little shits in the world, and they’ll take advantage of the softies. It took years of crappy friends and crappy boyfriends for me to learn those hard lessons. I just wish that Jonah had made it to his sixth year, before his heart was broken.