Hubby just shot me an e-mail to tell me that John Podhoretz wrote an editorial on the new Judith Warner book.
I only have a minute to write, because, well, I’m too busy parenting today. My son, who turns three in April, did not go down for an afternoon nap today. I just spent an hour driving through scenic Bergen County with the hopes of luring him to sleep. I watched him in the rear view mirror, and his eyes never closed. So, the video went in, and I ran up to the office to catch up with the world before the credits roll on Thomas the Tank Engine.
So, I have a few minutes to respond to the recent reviews of the Warner book.
Warner argues that mothers are overwhelmed running from activity to activity, developing their children’s brain power, and pushing their kid’s on the ballfields. These SUV moms are hysterically creating the best children and driving themselves batty in the process.
I’m not sure who these women are. I have not met them. Sure, we’re all a little wacky when the first one arrives, but almost everyone comes to their senses after a month or two.
Many SAHM mothers schedule a lot of events for their kids, but it is a way for the mothers to socialize and get out of the house. Or it enables them to run off to food shop without tots for an hour.
The supermommy notion is a media myth.
Most women, especially those who work, are struggling to be adequate mothers. Ones who read a book to their kids at the end of the day, who make meals that involve vegetables, who put their kids to bed by 8:00. Veggies and a sensible bedtime are the basics. And many women can’t manage that anymore. It’s not single, poor moms who made some unfortunate choices, but average middle class women who can’t survive on one income anymore.
Mothers at home also face all new pressures. They are more isolated than every before. And their husbands work later and later hours. They are ridiculed by their working friends, who warn them about the financial risks they incur by staying at home. Our mothers never dealt with these challenges.
Yes, parenting has many rewards. The sticky kisses and all. However, mothers (and their kids) do need help, because the costs are outweighing the rewards.
Now, you have to excuse me. That familiar Thomas song has ended, and I have to return to work.
UPDATE: Though I disagree with Podhoretz about some things, he makes some good points in his article. Liked this: Those of us who have young children were all raised to be self-actualizing, self-possessed, self-supporting. It’s safe to say we think more, and more deeply, about ourselves and our own needs than any other people at any other time in the history of the world. But at 3:30 in the morning, a crying baby or a sick child doesn’t care about your needs. She needs you. You have to put somebody else first.
For some of us, being a parent is a liberation from the tyranny of the self. Others seem to cling to the shackles of their solipsism. Tragically, they have been unable to wrest free from a worldview more suitable to childhood, and therefore sadly denied themselves the particular satisfactions that come from embracing adulthood in all its glorious mundanity.
Apt. 11d 
I’m not sure that it’s all a media myth.
Not that I’m pushing myself to be a supermommy; I’m just trying to drive everyone to the places they’re supposed to be. Oh, and remember what those commitments are. Sometimes it’s more than I can juggle.
I don’t stay at home though so I suppose juggling teaching and writing along with this is just more demanding than my brain space capabilities. I think the isolation is more terrifying to me than being overwhelmed.
Personally, I find it much harder in the US than I did in Israel — something about maternity leaves, early and affordable childcare, and family proximity — all made parenting there something that I took more in stride.
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Regarding the comparison between our generation and our mothers’ generation: My mother likes to point out that they did just fine with one car, one tiny TV, one telephone, no computers, non-organic hot dogs, a tiny house with 1 bathroom and no family room and simple vacations with a tent on a nearby beach. My sister and I had toys – but nothing like what my kids have.
We have at least double the “stuff” than my parents had when they were at this stage in their lives. (2 cars, 2 TVs, 2 bathrooms, 2 telephones, etc.) Sometimes I wonder if some of the stress is related to all the stuff. Twice as many oil changes. Twice as many toilets to clean. Twice as many distractions from the media.
We are trying hard to get rid of excess “stuff” – but it keeps coming in.
I don’t really identify with the “SuperMommy” thing, but I do wonder about the very big differences in parenting in the last 30 years. It’s fascinating to me how much has changed. I, personally, think things are better/easier now. But with a hell of a lot more stuff….
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I’m supposed to give them vegtables?
I don’t know what I think about Warner’s article. I like Anna Quindlen’s in Newsweek better. I know some moms who have overprogrammed lives. But I think they are few and far between. My kids are allowed to choose one activity each. I have 4 kids so that makes for a busy schedule still. We try to avoid sports that require more than one practice a week.
Sometimes I worry the kids are getting short changed, I haven’t pushed them on music lessons, they only go to camp every couple of summers. But I don’t have the time or the money for them to do everything . Plus, honestly they don’t want to. There are days they just want to play, or gasp, horror, chill in front of the television for awhile.
However, I resent when I have busy week, someone assuming I am some sort of driven mom. All moms are harried at one time or another. It comes with the responsibility of taking care of more than one person. I make certain sacrifices because I chose to have children, however I have chosen not to sacrifice everything else in my life.
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The mothers that Warner writes about — and their husbands — do exist. I’ve met a few. They are the product of a layer in the social hierarchy a few inches above mine and, I’m guessing, Laura’s, though they’re not the true rich either.
It’s not surprising that Laura hasn’t met these people because they are a pretty narrow layer. What’s surprising is that they don’t seem to have met us.
If this crowd — and they are the social circle of the New York Times, Time, and Newsweek editors, can’t understand my life, what can they possibly know about those near the median, let alone the poor.
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I certainly don’t think I’m a “supermommy,” and I don’t know many moms who fit that description. As Tom said, those moms are in a social circle far different from mine as a PhD candidate scraping by on a TA stipend and my husband’s earnings, which aren’t that great. We get by, but we’re not even at the median, let alone above it.
And those facts make me feel even more pressured. Being an adequate mommy is hard enough, but when the expected norm in grad school is to be all-consumed by the dissertation, it’s even worse. Throw in the fact that I refuse to put my daughter into full-time day care and the grief that decision earns me from my dissertation director, and it’s no wonder I feel pulled in a million different directions.
But I’m not going to put the most important thing in my life in some crappy day care (because let’s face it, I couldn’t afford much else) 40 hours a week just so I can get my dissertation done 9 months earlier. I’ll sacrifice a lot of things, but she isn’t one of them.
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I think SuperMommies were pretty common 15 & 20 years ago (trust me on this one — I met a lot of them from many layers of society while raising my kids). The news media just hasn’t caught on yet.
Early on in my daughter’s childhood, I came across the concept of the “good enough mom” and I’ve been working on that ever since.
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ABDmom — Been there. Done that. Both my husband and I finished our dissertations while watching our baby and living in poverty. It’s hard to believe that was just four years ago. You’re doing the right thing for your child, and the dissertation will get done. Just keep plugging away.
The problem with books like this Warner book is that they act as if all mothers are crazed perfectionists for their kids. When they are talking about the supermommys, Timna, they aren’t usually referring to working moms who are just trying to get their kids to their normal commitments. They talking about super competitive parents who are pushing themselves and their kids beyond reason.
I think they are a small group of parents. Probably mostly in the upperclass, Northeast, and they don’t represent the majority of parents who are struggling with the regular chores of raising kids. These books are easy targets for detractors and completely miss the real story. These books and articles are written by those who have very little experience with average parenting.
It’s too bad that the only people who have time to write about parenting are those with nannies, maids, and personal trainers. These upper middle class/wealthy women have no clue what’s really going on.
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Thanks, Laura. That encouragement means a lot, especially given my frame of mind right now (see yesterday’s rant on my blog for prime example of that).
You’re right–this type of work is used to slam all mothers, not just the narrow minority that is actually described. That’s the problem. That is almost always the problem with these “crisis” books about parenting in general and mothering in particular. The minority of parents who work solely so that they can drive a Lexus (or whatever the stereotype is) is FAR surpassed by the two-income families that exist to make sure the kids can live in a safe neighborhood with good schools, so money can be put away for college, so the kids can get braces, etc. But when books come out like The Two-Income Trap, with pretty clear economic evidence that two incomes are needed to give kids the sorts of things I mentioned above, immediately it’s the same old song: well, if people just wouldn’t be so irresponsible, they could get by on one income, blah blah blah.
Yeah, I’ll remember that the next time I get in my old Taurus and drive home to my little working-class bungalow.
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I can relate to your take on the Warner article. Part of me thinks that moms have benefited from so many of the modern-day conveniences that most middle-class moms have less “work” (like doing dishes, laundry, cooking, etc) that they are “supposed” to spend more time with their kids. Yet, spending 24/7 with kids can pretty much turn any normal mom into an insane person. So, some moms end up running around acting like the media-made supermom. It keeps some moms sane to have interaction with the outside world and move from activity to activity than to spend time at home doing nothing…..
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northridgemom has a good point. Some “supermom” activities are a good way to get out of the house and interact with adults.
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