How lucky for you that you’re home with your kids. I get that all the time. What do they mean by that? That I’m sitting around with my friends, watching Opera, taking pottery classes, and strolling around the mall looking for a new outfit?
The hard work of parenting is America’s best kept secret. I was stunned when I first became a parent about how needy those little creatures could be. Completely surprised. Unprepared, I wept while nursing my first son with only three hours of sleep.
We’re up at 6:00 around here. Sometimes we’re roused once or twice in the middle of the night, because somebody’s toes were cold or because of a fevered brow. It’s better since my youngest is now two, but we average about six hours of sleep.
My husband feeds them Cheerios, and then is off for work at 7:15. I dress two wiggly boys who are more interested in their trains than in putting on their own shirts. The five year old needs a packed lunch and snack and a note in his school folder. Everyone has to be at the bus stop by 8:30. After that, the day varies, because we haven’t gotten a routine yet. What doesn’t change — the two year old needs about 7 diaper changes, two snacks and lunch, a gagillion sippy cups of juice, a nap at 11:00, 15 stories, 3 puzzles, 7 music CDs, one long stroller ride, and an eagle eye since he might slip up into the office and reboot the computer.
I usually try to accomplish three or four chores with the two year old, which involves a packed diaper bags and a snack. During the baby’s two hour nap, I respond to e-mail, return phone calls, do laundry, and have a shower. The five year old comes back at 3:30. He needs a snack and a cup of milk. He’ll play in the backyard with the neighborhood kids whose wild jumps off the playhouse are certainly going to result in a lawsuit someday. A dinner needs to be prepared in this chaos. Who knows where Ian ran off to? Tell your friend to stop cutting down the bush, Jonah! Oh, did the cat vomit in the bathroom again?
I have to make sure that they eat at least a couple peas and a bite of chicken, even though they mostly want to eat the mashed potatoes. Bathtime with shreaks of pain as I rinse out the shampoo. Dressed for bed. Oh, I really need to buy Jonah some warm pajamas in a size five. They each need a cup of milk and three stories. Sometimes Steve will come home at this point. Sometimes not. By 7:30, they have to be in bed.
After 7:30, I either scrape wallpaper or write until 11:00 or 12:00. Sometimes, I have to run to the grocery store, since I didn’t make it during the day and we absolutely have no juice boxes for Jonah’s lunch.
I’m not complaining. Watching kids sure beats grading papers. It is also a bit easier since we moved out of New York City, I do have a supportive husband, and I’m working at home right now. Things are far better than the time that I taught Intro to American Gov’t with two hours of sleep because I had a four month old baby. And let’s all take a moment of silence for Maria down the block who has quadruplets. But I do think that there is widespread blindness to the fact that having a family is hard work.
What is your daily routine? Is the grind harder or easier for parents who work full time? Why didn’t anyone tell me that it was going to be this hard? Why is everyone else so stupid as well?
Apt. 11d 
Parenting is hard and valuable work. But of course, that ‘s a big secret, because after all, parenting has been traditionally considered women’s work and anything that is considered women’s work is devalued in our culture.
The other difficulty is that parents today, at least in this country, are expected to raise a child alone. Gone is the extended family — grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins — who can pitch in to rock the child, cook the meals, tie the shoelaces. So many grandparents today are reduced to gazing at photos on blogspots and wishing they lived nearer.
Yeah, it’s nice that many people feel that blogging, e-mail, and instant messenger has given them a community of like-minded people but a virtual community has limited value when it comes to parenting. I can read about your adventures raising two small kids and offer advice, share my own experience, but that’s about it. If I lived next door, I could offer to take the kids to the park, babysit while you write an essay, or send over supper. Instead, all I can offer are words….
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Actually, I and my childless female friends around my age certainly do recognize how darn much work parenting is! It’s the reason that some people don’t have kids.
My guess is that some of the “You’re so lucky” crew mean that you’re lucky that being home with I & J is an option. I have a couple of pals who have to work for financial reasons (esp. the single mom) and would give a mouthful of teeth to be home with their sprouts. Whether or not they realize how much harder that is than working a mere job.
I don’t say “You’re so lucky” to SAHMs myself. I say “The kids are so lucky,” and you’d have your work cut out for you to convince me otherwise. Except for those cases where school is a haven of safety, it really does seem like a huge boon for the kids. But what do I know?
I don’t think of myself as very politicized on the issue, although I suppose I am. It’s just that my position is 1) irrelevant, since I have neither kids nor power over anyone; and 2) fairly wimpy [Raise your kids as you must and then as you want, wherever possible].
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My kids are out of the early childhood dependency stage now — they’re teenagers. In some ways that’s easier. The only part of the routine that’s gotten harder is getting them out of bed for school in the morning (13-16 year olds have an amazing capacity for excuses; school starts at 8:20, and there’s many a morning when I’m threatening to break into their room at 8:10 with a bucket of cold water.)
What’s happened instead is that we no longer have any kind of routine at all. Instead, there’s the constant barrage of sudden announcements: You have to get me to play practice at 6:00 tonight! Field trip on Saturday, Dad, and we need you to drive us to St Paul! We have to have dinner early because I have to work tonight!
This was an unusually bad weekend, and I tallied it up: I spent 14 hours since Thursday just driving kids to miscellaneous events. Then there was the sleepover Saturday night that both gave us a long night of noisy chaos and a horrible mess to clean up. The flexibility of the academic schedule is some help, because it means I can sometimes juggle my schedule enough to meet their demands, but all that time needs to be made up somewhere, and right now it means getting up at 5 and going back to the office every evening.
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I work more-or-less full time and my wife works more-or-more full time. Our current schedule is: up at 6, I make 7 yr old’s lunch, get some breakfast for self, get children up, make them eat breakfast, walk both to house of 7 yr old’s friend by 7.15, from which she walks to school. Walk home with 3 year old, then drive her to daycare (except Fridays, when we both stay home). Then to work either at home or at the office (I’m a professor); scrabble around to fit in meetings before 7 yr old gets off school. Meet her (at 1 on Mondays, 2.30 other days) and get her to whatever she’s doing, then take her with me to pick up 3 year old. 2 nights a week wife is out late, so I get dinner for the 3 of us, and try to get them to bed in time for them to read before sleep. The other nights I make dinner for all 4 so that wife can spend some time with kids.
I ave super-easy kids. Otherwise it would be hard. Truth is that I had exactly the opposite reaction to Laura on having kids — I couldn’t believe how easy and fun they were. But a) I had thought they’d be impossible; b) I have girls! c) I have a very flexible job; d) I already had tenure pretty much sen up when first one came along; e) I have very supportive colleagues; f) I like the routine they impose on me. All that quite apart from how lovely they are. And, and I think this is a big thing, I’m male, and so very much feel that for me being very involved in my children’s daily routines and lives was a choice, not something I was ever expected/pressured to do, but something I always knew I wanted to do ‘authentically’ as it were. I didn’t exaclty choose my wife, but I knew when we met that she was someone who would want me to be involved and would not resist it (except where it comes to hair-care, over which she exhibits weirdly iron control).
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I think what I was unprepared for was the *unrelentingness* of parenting. You don’t realize what that is like when you just babysit. At my job, if I wanted to use the restroom during the day, I could excuse myself and go, and no one was pounding on the doors screaming for me to come out each time I went. I could eat lunch without someone crying for my attention or grabbing for my food. There is no break from parenting. You can’t call in sick. On my worst days at work, I could accomplish at least one thing, but at home that’s not necessarily the case, because no matter what I’m doing, if she cries I have to stop and give her attention. I can’t just say to an infant “Just 5 more minutes, Honey, and I’ll be through.” Even when she naps, I am always at attention, listening to her breathing, knowing that at any instant she could wake and my blogposting or dishwashing or showering has to end. It is as mentally draining as it is physically to never really have control of your day anymore.
Before my daughter came along, I volunteered on an ambulance nearby (can’t now, no one to care for her on a long shift). When you came on duty, you never knew just when a call would come, so you went about your business tentatively, afraid to get too involved in something lest the pager go off. When it did, you worked until the job was done, regardless of your own needs. Parenting is kind of like that, except you never, ever get off work. For me, going back to a job would almost be a vacation. The feeling of being able to accomplish something, to have some control over my day, would be liberating. I can see why women choose to continue working after having kids even when they don’t have to financially. No one should feel guilty about that.
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I met SO when I was 40 (six years ago); he already has a kid (who just turned 7). After SO & I became SOs, rather than “dating,” we had the “should we try to reproduce?” conversation. And I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. Part of it was age: the risk of problems is much higher, etc., but also, even if I’d gotten pregnant in a problem-free way right after the conversation, well, I’d be collecting social security by the time the kid graduate from high school. Also, because of grad school and the debts thereunto appurtaining, this was the first time in my life that I had at least a little disposable income (I ended up not being able to find a job as a professor so I left). From being around stepkid, I realized how much work they are; I’d known that intellectually, but not up-close-and-personal. Even now, when he’s much more self-sufficient (and fun!), he takes a lot of attention. I enjoy it tremendously, I might add, but I also don’t have to do it full-time. The finances were complicated because I make a lot more than SO, but he has to pay child support (and does so, willingly), so who would actually raise any kid we had was an open question. I knew it meant that our lives would change completely–one of the advantages of stepparenting is that both mom and dad get a break once in awhile. The thing that finally convinced me, however, is that neither of us has family in our city. His mom lives 90 miles away, my parents and sibling live 900 miles away, and that meant there wasn’t going to be anyone around to take care of the kid in an emergency. (Stepkid and ex-wife live near her parents.) I know some people make it work–generally by paying for help of one kind or another, which further crimps the finances–but it seemed like it just wasn’t that great an idea. Do I have regrets? Of course; who wouldn’t? But I think we have regrets no matter what choices we make. And I have to say, I’m glad I have stepkid around, for many many reasons.
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Great topic. I’m going to post as much as I can, here and on my underdeveloped blog.
I guess I’m still in the early stages, because I do feel lucky to be home with my kids. It still feels like a vacation to me. I had both my children while I was in graduate school, and I graduated in April of this year. For the last 3.5 years of my doctoral program, then, I was a part-time student, my husband worked part time, and between us we cared for our kids. I’m still very thankful that we never had to put them in day care, and I’m thankful that our older son has such a strong relationship with his dad, who did maybe 40% of the child care, day in and day out.
Anyway, it was hard juggling school and motherhood, and now I’m home full time with my 4yo and my 1yo and it feels wonderfully relaxing compared to my days before. As the memory of that crazy time fades, maybe I’ll feel more harried. I find that I am truly enjoying my children now.
Our daily routine is still kind of in flux. Two days a week, my kids and I spend all day (from about 9 am till just before dinner) with the moms and kids one or two other families that are friends of ours. (It’s a sort of pact among our three families to combat the isolation that being a stay-at-home mother can engender. We rotate whose home we spend the day at.) I am experimenting with a “schedule” for our mornings to try to get some control over things like housework. Part of that is because we’re planning to homeschool—I think I’ll have to be pretty rigorous with my time to make sure everything gets done and to make time to do the things I enjoy. I have already noticed that following a fairly strict schedule, at least in the morning, leads to happier kids and happier me, as counterintuitive as it may sound. It moves us from activity to activity, the time goes faster, and more of the important things in life get done.
Anyway, here’s my Monday routine, the only day I am home most of the day.
7:00 – Make breakfast
7:30 – Personal projects and work on computer
9:00 – Wake 4-year-old if he’s not up yet and feed him
9:30 – Homeschooling (i.e. work with 4yo on phonics, numbers, art)
10:15 – Fifteen minutes of computer work/personal projects
10:30 – Half an hour of housework
11:00 – Make lunch and clean up
11:30 – Lunch and computer time; kids entertain selves
12:30 – Pick up after kids
1:00 – Take kids for a walk
– flexible time until –
2:30 – Half an hour of computer time while kids watch video
3:00 – Read to kids for half an hour
3:30 – Fifteen minutes of computer work while kids play
3:45 – Pick up after kids
4:00 – Start dinner.
(Can you guess what my degree is in?)
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I work 2 days in the office, one at home. So I am home 5 days a week, and the truth is, I dont work much on the day I work from home. Our schedule is in the process of changing since A. is working on a nap-adjustment (changing from 2 to 1). But usually we are up around 7, eat, walk, play from 7-9. nap from 9-11. Eat, shop, play from 11-2/3. 2 or 3 she goes down for another 1-2 hour nap and then we hang out, play, eat etc. until bedtime at 7. The days I work are SO much easier than the days I am home. Taking care of a baby is really hard work. Working (and i am a lawyer) is less demanding…
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Not only am I a stay-at-home-mom, I homeschool two of my three children (my youngest attends preschool full time) so I am with them pretty much 24/7. That’s fine with me; I chose to do this, and appreciate the opportunity to spend a great deal of time with my kids. I never had an interest in a career and feel privileged that work is not a necessity.
As much time as I spend at home though, the laundry still piles up, the dishes are always in need of washing, the floors, mopping, and there’s a long list of outside chores to be done. We eat out or take out often. My husband, who is frequently out of town, and in-laws claim to understand how challenging my job is, but still feel the need to assign me projects, like actively seeking out real estate properties for their family’s business investors, in what I believe is the misguided impression that I need something else to occupy my spare time.
My scant few moments of free time are spent either reading, which generally is related to our studies, or online corresponding with other homeschooling parents. It’s nice to have some grown-up conversation once in awhile. There is guilt involved when the suggestion is made by either my husband or the children that I am not paying enough attention to my duties and my downtime could best be used on more productive activities. As it is, I have several projects of my own on hold, probably until the children are grown and moved out. Hopefully nobody will write my book before I get around to it.
My heroes are the single mothers who homeschool and work. How they can squeeze all that on their plates is truly amazing.
Thanks, Laura, for a chance to speak up.
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Our schedule is mostly determined by 1) my work schedule, which varies depending on the day of the week (MWF classes vs. TTH office hours), and 2) our youngest daughter, who has been colicky and difficult since the day she was born. (She’s now 10 months old.) If she sleeps mostly through the night, and Melissa and I are in good shape in the morning, then I’m usually up at 5:45am, while she sleeps for an additional half-hour. (I need less sleep than her; just a physical quirk.) We wake our other daughters up at 7am; Megan (our oldest) has school beginning at 8am, and us the local bus service is poor, we always drive her to school to save her the nightmare of having to catch the bus at 7:05am. (She rides the bus home, however.) We fortunately live withing walking distance of my work, so I can stay and help in the mornings (I am almost always responsible for breakfast, which I like to cook anyway) and get home by 5:30 or 6pm to relieve Melissa to a certain degree in the evenings and let her make dinner (which she almost always cooks). During the day, Melissa plays with Caitlyn and Alison, takes care of our home, volunteers at our church and at Megan’s school, reads and fiddles with the digital camera.
Melissa is sometimes bothered by her lack of outside-the-home work, and sometimes not. She tried for a career in photojournalism, but decided that she didn’t care for it. Most of the jobs she has had have been in secretarial/information-support areas, particularly when we lived in D.C.; though she met a lot of wonderful people, and was involved in a lot of intriguing projects that took her around the country, she was happy to leave them behind. For now, she wants my career in academia to work, so 1) she can put aside any concerns about ever having to go back to working jobs she didn’t like (as was the case during graduate school), and 2) so she can have the freedom to pursue her own interests without much financial pressure. We’re happy with the little family we have (three daughters), and love having a relatively low-pressure, unstructured life. (The lack of a commute is enormously important to this fact; both Melissa and I have structured our daily routines so much around the idea that I can come home at the drop of a hat if need be that we both would probably be willing to sacrifice quite a bit in terms of income and opportunity if it meant being able to keep my work relatively close to our neighborhood.)
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Wow, so many excellent comments. Thanks for starting this discussion.
I’m not sure where to start. I think parenting is much more challenging than my job (professor). At work I have time to think, use the bathroom unmolested, and I get pats on the back when I do a good job.
Parenting is wonderful, but it is also relentless. Like Laura, I didn’t have an appreciation for how hard it would be until I was in the middle of it. When I was home with the kids I didn’t have time to cook or clean–I don’t know how people manage to do those things when their kids are little! The pats on the back I get with my parenting are the sticky cuddles, and the ‘I love you mums’ that I get, and they are more wonderful than what I get at work, but work is actually a lot more relaxing than parenting. I get more leisure time for myself at work than I do at home with my family.
Our schedule is pretty good. We get up at 7, and between 7 and 8:30/8:45 we get the kids and ourselves dressed and fed, and my older daughter’s school lunch made. We each take one child, to either school or preschool respectively, and go to work. The kids get picked up at 3 (preschool) and 3:30 (school) from Tuesday-Friday. We each do two afternoons where we ‘work from home.’ On Mondays they stay at their location till 5pm. We’re both professors and have flexible schedules, and we’ve decided that it’s important to us to pick the kids up ourselves as much as possible. The reality is that we don’t work those afternoons, but we do work in the evenings and on weekends.
Now that the kids are a bit bigger (3.5 and 6) things are much easier and there is less guilt about having my little one in preschool. We have no family here, so there is no hope of having them help out. I miss working part-time (which I did until two years ago), but there are no reasonable part-time jobs in my field.
In general, I think it isn’t really fair to compare which is easier (SAH vs WOH), because it varies greatly depending on the age of your kids and what type of work you do.
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“Lucky”, of course, is relative. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids, and for the first three years she did that. Then, I lost my job, and when I found one (luckily, only three months later), it paid about a third less. My wife had to go back to work half-time to make ends meet. She did this because she had to, but still would prefer to be at home with the kids more (and get more sleep, since she works nights for the most part).
So, yes, I believe you are lucky in that you had a choice to make and made one. If you wanted to work, but were home with the kids because you couldn’t get a job, I would consider you just as unlucky as my wife, who wants to be home, but — for this year at least — has had to work. With some luck, I will get a raise in January, and she can cut back her hours somewhat.
So, I think you are being too hard on those who call you lucky. The may not think you are “sitting around with my friends, watching Opera, taking pottery classes, and strolling around the mall looking for a new outfit”. They likely think that you had a choice that they did not have.
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I didn’t choose to be home. I put 14 years and countless dollars into a career that I was never able to practice. I couldn’t afford to work, and my career could not accomodate two kids. I am here, because of all sorts of obstacles.
Now that I”m here, I’ve made the best of it and things are working out okay. But I never made a choice.
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Your two year old naps?! Wow, that is great, our 2 year old decided he doesn’t need them when he is at home on the weekends or holidays with us. but he continues to nap divinely at the daycare. this is why he must remain at the daycare….he only naps there! i must find the secret.
michelle
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“Choice,” of course, is also relative. I did not know the specifics of your circumstances, but was considering the general situation of the SAHM.
On the other hand, to a certain extent, staying home really is a choice. It’s sounds like my sister-in-law was in a very similar situation to yours — wanted to work but couldn’t find a job in her field that accomodated her needs. Taking the job she wanted most would be a net-loss because of the child care expenses and time requirements, so she didn’t take it. She felt that she could not “choose” to work.
Then, three years ago, she got divorced. She lost all of her husband’s income, and now only receives child support (which pays — of course — for the child, not her). Now she works. It’s not the job she wanted, but she works at it because she’s got a mortgage to pay. She also is renting out the “guest” bedroom to an exchange student from Nepal to make ends meet.
If you asked her whether she was home “by choice” when she was married, she’d have said “no” in 2001. She’d likely say “yes” now.
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